426. Back by Popular Demand: Teaching children emotion rgulation through co-regulation with Dana Rosenbloom

Dana Rosenbloom (00:00):

Our ability to co-regulate and to use our relationships to kind of manage through challenging times that throw us off I just think is so essential in everything else that you do with a family.

Dr. Sarah Bren (00:18):

Hello and welcome back to Securely Attached. I’m your host, Dr. Sarah Bren. As many of you know, this summer we’re celebrating a very special milestone, five years of the Securely Attached podcast. Over the past five years, we’ve had the privilege of sharing hundreds of conversations with experts, researchers, clinicians, and parents, all centered around helping you build stronger, more connected relationships with your children. To celebrate, we’re revisiting five of the most popular and impactful episodes from our archives. These are conversations that have stood the test of time and continue to resonate with parents years after they first aired. Today’s episode is especially meaningful because it comes from the very beginning of the securely attached journey. In fact, it was originally episode six and five years later it remains one of the most listened to and most shared conversations we’ve ever released. The topic is co-regulation, which is one of the foundational concepts behind so much of what we talk about here on Securely Attached.

(01:19):

As parents, we often find ourselves wondering how to help our children manage big feelings, recover from disappointment, navigate frustration, or calm themselves when they’re overwhelmed. But one of the most important things to understand is that children don’t learn emotional regulation in isolation. They learn it through relationships. Before children can regulate themselves, they first need to experience being regulated with us. In this conversation, I sit down with Dana Rosenbloom, founder of Dana’s Kids and an early childhood specialist with a deep understanding of child development, emotional regulation, and parent-child relationships. Together we explore what co-regulation actually looks like in everyday parenting moments, why emotional dysregulation can be so contagious, how our own ability to stay grounded can become one of the most powerful tools we have as parents. We talk about why the goal isn’t to stay calm and perfectly regulated all the time and also how children learn emotional skills through our modeling.

(02:20):

We also talk about why getting comfortable with our child’s discomfort can be so important and what it really means to support children through big feelings without trying to immediately fix, stop or solve them. Even though this conversation originally aired years ago, the ideas we discuss are just as relevant today as they were then. In fact, I would argue they’re some of the most foundational skills we can develop as parents. So whether you’re listening for the first time or revisiting this conversation alongside us, I hope it offers reassurance, perspective, and a reminder that your presence matters more than perfection.

(02:52):

And before we jump in, one quick birthday wish. Since we’re celebrating five years of the podcast, we would love to collect a few more fives of our own. So if these conversations have supported you along the way, I’d be so grateful if you would leave a five star review wherever you listen to podcasts. Think of it as five stars for five years. Thank you so much for being part of this community and for helping us reach this incredible milestone. Now here’s my conversation with Dana Rosenbloom.

(03:19):

Dana, do you want to share a little bit about how you got here and how you got into this work?

Dana Rosenbloom (03:31):

Absolutely. So let’s see. Way back when I actually started while I was in college working with a little boy who was failure to thrive, putting in NG tubes and working with his family through the early intervention process. And while I had been on track to become a pediatrician, I kind of fell in love with this work of being directly with children who were going through some challenges and ended up going to school for education for general and special ed and doing a lot of focus on parent child dynamics. And Dana’s kids sort of grew from there in the following years and I really found a niche in this birth to eight, nine work with families who were going through some sort of bump from having a hard time connecting with my baby to how do I move a toddler from a crib to a bed to, I really have concerns about my child’s development, what’s available to me to support them in this process. And to what we’re going to be speaking about today, I think that one of the things that became most apparent to me in my work and that I love so much in my work is the regulation that goes on between parents and children and how that impacts each of their development, the development as the parent, the development of the child and that regulation emotionally and from a sensory standpoint goes on for all of us and our ability to co-regulate and to use our relationships to kind of manage through challenging times that throw us off I just think is so essential in everything else that you do with a family.

(05:28):

So whether a child has special needs or is typically developing, that connection and that regulation is really what kind of gets you from point A to point B in the best way possible. Even if that means sort of a breakdown and then a repair I just feel so strongly about supporting parents and children in their process of understanding each other and working together and being available to each other.

Dr. Sarah Bren (05:56):

I love that so much. That’s huge part of the work I do too with parents in my practice and kids is that idea that we are all interconnected, right? It’s not just about the child or just about the parent, it’s really about where they meet, right?

Dana Rosenbloom (06:12):

Absolutely.

Dr. Sarah Bren (06:13):

That point of connection and using that for all things in parenting, especially emotion regulation because they’re hardwired children are well parents too, but we’re all hardwired to be paying attention to one another’s emotional cues to know what our emotional cues need to be.

Dana Rosenbloom (06:30):

Absolutely. And even in that process, because I think that sometimes when we start talking to parents about this, either A, it feels really highbrow or B, it feels so challenging to think about what’s often referred to as like keeping your cool when your child is not. And I think within that is sort of even just the understanding that sometimes in that moment, in that awareness of each other, it means you have to step out. It means it’s okay to say, “I can’t be available to this right now and I need to figure out a way if I’m alone to kind of pause things or bring somebody else in or just kind of giving yourself some empathy in that moment for the fact that this sounds sort of at a highbrow level really simple, but it’s not. Anytime anyone is triggered emotionally, you sort of lose all your best skills.

(07:31):

I talk about it with young children all the time, kind of just the idea that you can have a child who speaks beautifully and you can have conversations with them well beyond their years and then all of a sudden something happens that is highly emotionally charged and for a three year old that may be somebody taking a toy and they lose some of those skills. And so that understandably may trigger a parent when that child grabs or whatever it is that they’re doing. And so just kind of taking that step back to notice how intertwined we all are that one reaction brings another reaction and that it’s a process. We’re all kind of figuring out and sometimes just knowing that it’s not going well and next time maybe it’s going to go better is the best you can do in that moment.

Dr. Sarah Bren (08:17):

Yes. And I think that’s so permission giving for parents that like the goal isn’t really to be perfectly on it all the time and like so regulated and so zen because that’s not realistic. I mean, I have two kids and I’m certainly not zen with them all the time and I definitely yell at my kids. I don’t want to yell at my kids. My goal is not to, but I lose it because I’m a human being and I also get dysregulated just like my three year old. It happens less frequently than it does for him, but it certainly happens.

Dana Rosenbloom (08:50):

I’m so proud of you. But truly, I think that’s why you and I believe so strongly in this idea is that the skills that we give children starting from very young to be able to be better regulated as they get older, to build up those resiliency skills, to build up the, ” Okay, what do I do with this now? “That’s the point, right? It’s not to get it right every single time, but it’s to continue to build up the ability to manage that dysregulation, whether it’s emotional or sensory or both, right? So it takes work and it’s not always going to be successful and that’s not necessarily a bad thing. It’s important for children to see that things make you frustrated and things make you angry. I talk to parents all the time and recently in my community, an occupational therapist passed away and so there’s been a lot of conversation about how to discuss that with children and part of my conversation is that it’s okay for young children, any child to see you upset.

(10:05):

They don’t need to see the worst of your worst sort of ugly cry, but they can see that you’re sad about this and that it’s okay to be sad. And part of their process and being able to manage that sad and the emotional dysregulation that comes with feeling uncomfortable in sadness is what you do to start to feel better and the fact that you do recover and excuse me, that’s all part of the process.

Dr. Sarah Bren (10:32):

Yeah. And I think that brings up a really interesting point, which is like, okay, children are learning and it’s, yes, I’m using air quotes, it’s our job to teach them all these things, but how do we actually teach them? Do we sit and lecture them? Do we correct everything they do in the moment or do we start with modeling because that’s actually the best way for kids to really take in information, especially when we’re talking about really young kids and the fact that even older kids, it doesn’t really matter when they’re dysregulated, that learning part of their brain, their frontal lobes aren’t online right then. So what is online? Their sensory input is online. Their amygdala is online, which is their fear in anger center of their brain and it’s tuning into threat detection. So if you mom or dad or caregiver are coming at your child hot while they’re hot…

Dana Rosenbloom (11:30):

Right, we’re just going to ignite the fire.

Dr. Sarah Bren (11:32):

Exactly. And it communicates their brain, “Oh, see, threat. Yep, I’m right. This is where I should stay.” But if they’re in a nonverbal brain space, we can show them with our bodies, not our words, that their threat detector can turn off because we’re safe and we’re communicating safety with our body language. This is a key element to co-regulation.

Dana Rosenbloom (11:54):

Absolutely. And I think so often we get uncomfortable with our child being uncomfortable and one of my favorite phrases with parents is getting comfortable with your child being uncomfortable, which is no small task, excuse me. And often when we see a child who’s uncomfortable, our visceral reaction is to fix it, is to comfort them, is to get in there and problem solve is to tell them what they should do or tell them they’re okay. And often in this dysregulation, we really want to do the opposite, right We want to be physically available to them. We want to communicate with all of our nonverbal cues that we are available to them and that they are safe. But oftentimes in that moment and assault and even a kind word can feel like an assault that all that language of here’s what you should do and here’s what… And you’re okay and you wanted that and blah blah blah, can just be even more overwhelming at a time where they’re not ready to process any information. They need that moment to just sit with that uncomfortable, right and then we move on. So if you’re upset, the last thing you want someone to do is come in and say, “Well, just calm down.” Or, “You need to da, da, da, da, da,” whatever it may be.

Dr. Sarah Bren (13:18):

Use your words.

Dana Rosenbloom (13:18):

That’s it. Sometimes you just want a moment.

Dr. Sarah Bren (13:23):

It’s really hard. I think, I mean, I say myself, I catch myself all the time be like, “Can you use your words? I can’t understand you when you’re crying this hard.” And I realize I catch myself and I’m like, “Ugh, I want to say that because that’s what I want him to do, but he can’t use his words, otherwise he would be using his words.” So that’s also like when you are told to use your words, when you don’t have access to your words, that’s destabilizing, that’s dysregulating more.

Dana Rosenbloom (13:46):

Think it also becomes a trigger, right? It becomes this trigger. So calm down or use your words. And there are absolutely times and places I believe strongly in those positive alternatives instead of don’t, you’re not allowed to scream or don’t throw that. We do want to focus in on what children should do, but oftentimes that little bit of a pause where I’m there physically and listen, not every child wants the physical support in that moment. For some children, it’s sitting nearby or leaning against the counter while they’re on the floor being upset and that’s the most they can do in that moment, but sometimes just that extra moment to feel all those big feelings and then have someone step in. With my bigger ones, I often encourage parents to say, “Do you want to problem solve or do you want a hug?” So like letting a child take a little bit of control and learn to ask for what they need, but those little ones, being available to them and quite frankly, this works for emotional regulation.

(14:49):

I think it’s also really important in play. Being available and being in someone’s presence while you experience exploring a material or feeling sad, that availability is often more reassuring than anything else. Kids don’t always need instruction in play. They don’t often need instruction in their dysregulation, their emotional moments. We want to be available so that then when they are available, then we can get in there deeper with them rather than just filling the space with more. And when we talk about kids who are even more sensitive to sensory input, right? And this doesn’t necessarily mean a child who is diagnosed as having sensory processing disorder, any of us are just more sensitive than others to loud noises, busy spaces, messy spaces, all of these things. In these moments for those kiddos, the more we get in there and we try to throw more sensory input on them, the less able we are to help them kind of reemerge and rejoin whatever it is that has been happening.

Dr. Sarah Bren (16:00):

Yes. I always say a parent’s best tool or strategy is to be a detective, not a teacher. When we approach our children as a detective and say, “I need to learn all the things about my child. I need to take in what they’re telling me. I need to figure out what are my child’s triggers? What are my child’s sensory maximum points? What calms their nervous system down?” And it’s different for every kid. It’s even different within families. My son is an absolute… When he’s melting down, he needs hugs. He wants that compression, he wants that touch, he wants to be held and when my daughter’s melting down, she’ll arch her back and recoil from my touch and that’s just them. That’s the way… I could see very understandably how a parent in my position when my second recoiled from my touch to be like, “What am I doing wrong or what’s wrong with her?” My other kid is soothed by my holding them so this should work for her.

(17:08):

And so it was very powerful for me when she had her first epic tantrum and meltdown when that was her response to me and I was like, “Oh, I got to learn a new set of systems for this person.” And that was really profound for our relationship too, because I’ve now figured out a different strategy for helping soothe her and it’s less touch, it’s more proximity and quiet and my presence.

Dana Rosenbloom (17:37):

I think that so much is the core of… First of all, I feel like this is the reason that you and I, when we met so quickly were in line with each other because it’s this sense of an opportunity to learn who your child is, to learn who you are, to understand the fact that in that moment it would be very natural for you to feel really rejected. But that also it really wasn’t about you in that moment. With each child that you have, I talk a lot about the parenting dance and each child being a partner and having to learn to dance with that partner and steps changing and music changing and all of this kind of stuff and you need to allow room for growth and change and kind of pivot and shift and figure out how to change the dance. When I teach new moms groups, one of the first things that we talk about early in the groups is the idea of what’s your baby’s rhythm. And very often people will say to me like, “What do you mean?” But the reality is that down to how your baby likes to be held and when you move, what kind of movement they like, it gives you so much information about who they are.

(18:52):

Do you have a bouncer? Do you have a rocker? Does your baby like when you sing, not like when you sing? All of this information really helps us think about how we can parent and how we can best parent each individual child and taking that time and listen, we all don’t have that time all day every day, but little bits of moments, behavior has meaning and that’s behavior right from the beginning and it’s not always easy to understand and I think that’s why people like you and I are around to help when it feels more challenging. I think one of the things that you and I have talked about before is when a child is dysregulated, whether it’s a baby or a toddler having a tantrum or a six year old digging their heels in, it doesn’t feel good for them, right? They’re not doing that necessarily just to piss you off, right?

(19:49):

They have gotten to a place that they are no longer able to do what they need to do and that’s not comfortable either. And so that acknowledgement of what’s happening for them and what’s happening for you and like a little bit of room and forgiveness for each of you in those moments is going to really go a long way in being able to then move forward in a way that allows for growth and connection.

Dr. Sarah Bren (20:15):

Yeah. And I think when you get that mindset shift, right when you can as the parent sort of stay in your frontal lobes and one of the ways you stay there is to not see your child’s behavior as a threat. Because remember, okay, so quick neurobiology 101, when we see something that’s threatening to us, whether you’re a baby, a toddler, or a grownup, your fight or flight response gets activated, right? Your body says threat, time to protect ourselves, right? And so the parts of our brain that are responsible for sort of calm and thoughtful problem solving are not relevant in that moment. You’re just trying to like run from the tiger or fight for your life, right? And that’s the same process. And so when our kid becomes immediately, they get dysregulated fast because their frontal lobes are very underdeveloped at this age, but they get dysregulated, we get dysregulated.

(21:10):

It’s a very contagious state. And so if we come at their threat response with our own threat response, we are going to start this really escalating interaction. But if we as parents, and this takes a lot of training and sort of mindful effort, it’s hard to do, but I think awareness is a really awareness about this process helps is when we see our child in threat mode and we can say, “Oh, exactly what you just said, Dana, which is our kid is not trying to do this. They’re out of control. They don’t want to feel this way. They’re not trying to piss me off or push my buttons or be bad right now or naughty right now, but they’re having a really hard time in this moment and they need my help to calm their body down.” Just that mindset shift alone can really soften us, get us out of our own fight or flight, bring us into our frontal lobes, which then helps us problem solve.

(22:10):

Exactly. So co-regulation really requires us first to regulate ourselves. And so that’s, I think, step one. I wonder if it might be helpful because if parents are listening to this and they don’t know what we’re talking about, what’s co-regulation? Like can you give like a little overview of like what it is and then maybe we could talk like step by step a strategy for what that looks like in the moment.

Dana Rosenbloom (22:34):

Sure, sure. So the way that I typically explain co-regulation is this, if you were on a plane and it was starting to go down, as the passenger sitting in your seat, would you want the flight attendants to be walking calmly up and down the aisle reminding you to put your mask on and put your head between your knees and whatever it may be or would you want that flight attendant running up and down the aisle going, “Oh my God, we’re all going to die.” Your ability to get the mask on and to brace for impact is directly connected to the information the way the information you’re getting in that moment is being presented to you. As a parent, we want to bring down that level of excitement of sort of raw energy, right? And the more a child escalates, the more we want to counterbalance that escalation by bringing ourselves down, our voices down, sometimes even the lights in the room down, which is not to say that we are being permissive of bad behavior.

(23:42):

It’s not to say that we are not limit setting, it just means that we are making really intentional choices in those moments about how and when we are doing those things. And sometimes that means taking a pause before we insert information or that limit. Sometimes it means turning down the lights, moving to a quieter area, but as we have a child who escalates in volume and speed of their body movement and all of this kind of stuff, we as the adult want to become more solid and more grounded and sort of lower and slower in the way that we’re responding. That coagulation is going to signal safety to the body and then you’re going to be able to move forward and depending upon a child’s age, and I talk a lot of times about swaddling. Why do we swaddle babies? We swaddle babies because they can’t control their reflexes as infants.

(24:45):

And so as their nervous system integrates more and more and they’re able to do that work themselves, we loosen the swaddle and an arm comes out and another arm comes out, we remove the swaddle. It’s sort of the same thing. When children are very young, they can’t do that regulation work themselves. They still need that external boundary, that external person, the grownup to help them. Our goal is not for an infant to wear a swaddle forever. Our goal is to help them learn the skills to be able to manage those reflexes on their own. Same thing with this regulation, right? Whether it’s from a sensory standpoint or from an emotional standpoint, our role as the grownup is to first do the regulation for them, help them become more aware of what’s happening to their bodies and their emotions, start working through modeling and then helping them select tools and strategies that are going to work for them.

(25:43):

Sometimes I want to go lay on my bed and cry for a minute. Sometimes I want my lovey. Sometimes I want a hug from mom. Sometimes I want mom or dad sitting next to me and not touching me. The more we become aware of those effective tools, the easier it is then for a child to begin to take over using those tools as they get older and older. So hopefully that gave a little bit of an understanding of what that regulation and modulation is.

Dr. Sarah Bren (26:10):

Yes. And so one of the most common questions I get from parents after I give that sort of spiel and our spiels are very similar. So there’s two questions that I always get. One is what if I’m the reason they’re dysregulated? What if they’re dysregulated because I said no or they’re mad at me because I’m holding a limit and then I’ll tell you the other question after you answer that one.

Dana Rosenbloom (26:35):

Okay. So my typical response and here’s where this is I think what makes parents kind of decide between who’s the therapist that works for them and doesn’t work for them. My initial response to parents in those moments is typically like, this is where your shoulders broaden and you earn your gray hairs because you’re going to be the cause of a lot of your child really being pissed. Sometimes you’re going to say no cookies before breakfast and you know what? That’s okay. And in my mind I like for parents to repeat the mantra, sometimes that happens and to feel comfortable again in their child’s discomfort and that the ability to do that safely comes with knowing that you are emotionally responsive and that you’re using the language of emotional intelligence and you are available to your child in those other moments. But sometimes when a child becomes dysregulated because we’ve set that limit, the best thing we can do is sit down on the floor next to them, let them know that we are there, but not look to change or reason or tell them all the reasons why.

(27:47):

Sometimes we just need to be there and the more we try to convince and cajole them either that the limit that we said was right or that this is why they should be okay with it, you’re going to get nowhere. The more we try to rip a child out, I find of their emotional dysregulation, the less they’re going to do it, the more they want to pull back in the opposite direction. Sometimes when we lean into that dysregulation when a child is angry, it actually brings them out of it faster. So I might in that moment say to a child, “You are so mad. I said no cookies, you can be mad and then leave it there. I’m going to validate it. I’m not changing what I’ve said, but you know what? You are right. Sometimes depending upon a child’s age or verbal level, I might even say to them, I wish we could be cookies all day long too.

(28:40):

Cookies are so yummy.” And again, the intentionality comes with knowing who your child is and how much language you can use, knowing when to use that language and in this conversation about regulation and dysregulation, right when a child is really out of control as lovely and supportive as that language is, this is not necessarily the immediate response. Sometimes the immediate response is just sitting down acknowledging that you’ve done or said something that is making your child unhappy, knowing that you have made that decision for a reason you believe in giving them what I call a mad minute, sometimes a mad minute lasts more than a minute, but it’s that mad minute of like sometimes it’s a sad minute, but like you can be there for a minute You are allowed. When you are three and someone says no cookies, that is a big emotionally charged moment and we may not register it the same way, but they do and that’s okay. And I don’t need to let that minute become 15 minutes or shift what’s happening in the home, but it can give a child a second to be mad. And often what happens is again, we as the adults get so uncomfortable with that, we want to get them out of it as fast as possible.

Dr. Sarah Bren (29:54):

Right. Well, I also think sometimes, and very understandably, a parent sees that emotional response to our limit as a sign that our limit has been done incorrectly. And therefore now we’re sort of like, oh, I have to get you on board with this limit otherwise I haven’t done it right. And I actually think it’s really important for parents to understand that our job in setting limits is to set the limit. It’s just to say no or keep the space safe or stop a behavior. It’s not about making our child agree with our limit. Actually, if they agreed with it, we wouldn’t have to set the limit in the first place. So we actually have to be mentally prepared and emotionally prepared as parents that when we set a limit or say no to something or take something away or move their body to a safer place, they may be very understandably in complete rejection of that limit and show that to us.

(30:47):

And that’s not a referendum on how effective the limit is. The barometer for how effective the limit is is not our child’s cooperation or peaceful acceptance of the said limit. It’s really about our ability to hold it in the face of their protests and to be able to not get agitated by their protests, to sort of see their protests as the apropriate response from them accept them to co-regulate. This is where that piece comes in of like, we can certainly set limits and have effective discipline strategies and also co-regulate. They’re not mutually exclusive. In fact, I think they go most beautifully together.

Dana Rosenbloom (31:31):

Absolutely. And I think the other piece when we’re thinking about that barometer, that measure is that your child’s rejection in that moment of you as a human of whatever limit you’ve set is not a reflection of how good of a parent you are, right? Yes. One thing has nothing to do with the other. If you had somebody who said no to you about something, your response would be more measured because you’re an adult, but you probably wouldn’t like it very much. And likely if in that moment someone said to you, “Just calm down for a second, you would even go from there.” So a child, you are allowed to set a limit and a child is allowed to say, “I think that’s a really stupid effing limit.” This is where, and I talk to parents about this a lot, particularly in my work with behavior and young children, most young children are not going to turn around at three and at four and go, “Hey, you know what, mom, you’re right. I was really kind of being a pain in the butt and this limit really does make sense to me. Not going to happen. Not going to happen.”

Dr. Sarah Bren (32:40):

And it doesn’t need to. Even for them to take in this useful limit. A lot of times I’m always shocked at when I set a limit with my son and he gets so upset about it and then maybe the next day he just follows that rule, that new rule that he has internalized and I’m like, “Oh wait, you’re cool with this? ” He did the protest. That’s also important I think too. There’s a totally separate piece here we haven’t talked about, which is like that development of the self and of confidence and their ability to say, when I don’t like something I say it and that’s actually not a bad thing. I really want my children and I want the families that I work with for their children to be able to say, I’m not cool with that. I don’t like that.

(33:30):

It’s still our job to say, “You don’t have to like it, but it’s my job to keep you safe and so this is what the rule is going to be. But I don’t want to snuff out their pushback either because that’s going to be really useful to them when they’re a middle schooler and there’s peer pressure happening.

Dana Rosenbloom (33:50):

Absolutely. And I think there’s a big piece of when they are pushing back and letting us know, depending upon your child’s age, there’s all sorts of variation in how they do that and what’s acceptable and not acceptable. And then there’s the piece of we repair, right? We had this moment where you were on one side and I was on the other and you know what? We got through it and that’s about your skills and that’s about your child’s skills and that’s about the relationship you have together. And it’s funny, I feel like you and I had a conversation, oh my gosh, a long time ago about the repair actually making the relationship stronger. And I think that was something that you had said really like that’s where the strength come in, that’s where… And there’s so much conversation today, particularly around coming out of a pandemic and all of this kind of stuff that’s happening with children’s resiliency and their ability to manage and all of these interactions, whether the co-regulation happens beautifully, whether it doesn’t, our goal is to help a child know they can survive.

(35:05):

They can get through all of that. That’s what all of this is about. This is about building their skills and knowing that it’s going to look pretty some days, it’s not going to look so pretty other days. And you know what? I’m going to get through this and I can do this. And that is part of our role as a parent. It’s not easy. It doesn’t always feel good. There’s a lot of guilt around it. And I think again, you and I talk a lot about kind of normalizing all of these feelings, all of the insecurities and all the like, I did this thing and I did it and maybe it worked, but I kind of feel really crappy about it or I didn’t do this thing and I didn’t follow my gut and why didn’t I? These are all normal feelings to have and figuring out what works for you and your child and your family might be a slight adaptation of what we’re talking about right now and that’s okay.

Dr. Sarah Bren (36:01):

I think that’s really important actually critical is that like there’s a lot of people in this parenting space telling people like, “This is what you should say, this is how you should say it. ” And I think those kids that can be very useful to kind of start the process of thinking about this differently, but you can’t follow a script with your child, you have to kind of… It’s a good place to start, right? This language is helpful, but it’s important to adapt it to not only your own child but to each situation. And so we can’t always come at every problem with a script if in fact you know the more fundamental building blocks, which is it’s not so much what I say, but it’s actually my body language as I’m saying it. Exactly. That’s really the important part, right? The co-regulation, right? The words can change.

(36:51):

What you’re really trying to convey is a sense of safety and you can get there in a lot of different directions. You don’t need a script to get there. You really need to be able to communicate with your child in their language and that can be nonverbal language, that they’re safe and you’re protecting them. If you can master that and you can sort of take that nugget with you into any situation where your child’s dysregulated and remember in order to communicate that safety, you yourself have to first be regulated then you’re golden. Now you have a solid tool that’s adaptable to any scenario.

Dana Rosenbloom (37:27):

Absolutely. And I think, again, I go back to you and I connecting in some of our first conversations and I think one of the core pieces to each of our work that really connected us is that this is not easy. We talk a lot about like maternal instinct and all of these lovely creations. Sometimes it doesn’t just come instinctually and that’s okay too and you and I in our work, part of what we do is when it doesn’t feel clear or it feels dysregulating for a parent is that we are there to help regulate you, to help you reflect, to help you think about what’s happening with your child so that we can give you not just the tools to manage the situation that comes up in the moment, although that is helpful and an important part of the work, but it’s also in thinking about who am I as a human, as a parent, who do I want to be?

(38:27):

Who is my child? Where is their development? Who are they temperamentally, emotionally from a sensory standpoint? And then how do we think about responses and parenting and social emotional skills on a day to day basis with that information because that is to me and I think I’m speaking for you as well, that is the long term goal. We don’t want to be working with a family forever. We want to give people the tools that allow them to be reflective, to understand themselves and their children, and then to apply that to all of those different situations as they come up.

Dr. Sarah Bren (39:08):

100%. Yes. I love that. That’s why I love working with you and all these. I know. So wait, so how can people find out more about you? How can people learn about the work you’re doing or watch those amazing, helpful and hopeful videos that you did that series?

Dana Rosenbloom (39:23):

Sure.

Dr. Sarah Bren (39:23):

If you guys don’t know, by the way, Dana did this awesome, this is how I know Dana is one of the ways is she invited me to do a couple different videos with her. During the pandemic, she put out this amazing resource, free resource for parents called Helpful and Hopeful and she would get all kinds of cool people on there, but she would have these great talks about these like really important parenting nuggets and they were short and easy and it was like every Wednesday. So that was actually one of the first times I got to work with Dana. So if you haven’t seen those, they’re on her website and you should check them out, danaskids.com.

Dana Rosenbloom (40:04):

Yeah. So danaskids.com/helpfulandhopeful you can find all of those free videos to take a look at there. There’s a number of other free resources on there, downloadable ideas for setting home-based learning up for quick changes in language to help impact positive behavior with young children, that’s up there. You can email me directly through the website. I’m available, you can follow me on Instagram, @danaskids and on there and on Facebook I post all sorts of resources as well as information about upcoming workshops and all sorts of good stuff including future collaborations with Sarah because I think she’s wonderful and again, I think we both just feel really passionately about supporting parents in any way we can, and children for that matter, but we can all get there and we can all learn and I think it’s just if you’re here listening to this and taking the time, that in and of itself says a lot about the type of parent you are.

Dr. Sarah Bren (41:15):

Couldn’t agree more. And I’m going to put in the show notes a link to the five ways to shift your language and improve your young child’s behavior fast, which is an awesome resource. So if you go to the show notes, you can get an easy link to that. And I’ll also link Dana’s website and her Instagram, but if you’re not following her Instagram, you really should. That’s actually how I found her and I literally found her in a video it was right at the very beginning of COVID and she put out a video of like how to talk to your kids about what’s going on. And I was like, “Who is this person?” She like spoke to my heart and I was like, at the time, I was like nervous to reach out to you too. I was like, I DM’d you and we’ve been like friends ever since. So it was a very useful video for a lot of reasons for me.

Dana Rosenbloom (42:07):

It was really, talk about the silver linings out of all of this. Really I think you and I are very, very much aligned and it’s a wonderful opportunity to collaborate.

Dr. Sarah Bren (42:17):

Yeah. I’m so glad we connected. I’m so glad I found you in this world.

Dana Rosenbloom (42:21):

Likewise.

Dr. Sarah Bren (42:21):

All right. Well come back please again. We were talking about maybe doing a potty training episode, which would be so good.

Dana Rosenbloom (42:29):

Yes, I love that. Thank you for having me.

Dr. Sarah Bren (42:31):

Yeah, I’ll talk to you soon.

Dana Rosenbloom (42:33):

All right, take care.

Dr. Sarah Bren (42:35):

Bye.

Dana Rosenbloom (42:35):

Bye.

Dr. Sarah Bren (42:40):

I hope you enjoyed this episode. As Dana and I discussed, before you can co-regulate with your child, you got to first become regulated yourself and there are so many different ways that we can do this, though it is hard. I always say that’s very hard to do, but I want to give you one simple and effective way and that is to focus on grounding yourself in the present moment. I want you to give this technique a try the next time you find yourself in fight or flight. I want you to take a breath and I want you to balance your weight evenly between your two feet. Feel the solid ground under your feet and feel the earth holding you in place. Feel the weight of gravity anchoring you to the earth. Allow yourself to feel solidly attached to the earth below you. Now take another breath and now bring your attention to your thoughts.

(43:37):

Notice them, don’t judge them. Can you find a thought that you want to let go? Maybe it’s the thought they’re doing this on purpose, maybe it’s, I can’t do this. Whatever thought is there that’s making you feel hot, can you notice it and without judgment, allow it to pass on through your body as you remain rooted to the earth.

(44:06):

Remind yourself that you are safe, your child is safe and you two are safe together. I’d love for you to give this exercise a try the next time you’re feeling hot and if you’d like to, I invite you to head over to Securely Attached Podcast on Instagram and let me know how it felt for you. Were you able to remember to do this exercise in the heat of the moment to help you calm down a bit? So please let me know what you think of this episode and if there are any other topics you would love for me to cover on Securely Attached and don’t forget to subscribe like and rate the podcast and check back next Tuesday for another brand new episode. Thanks for listening and don’t be a stranger.