363. Q&A: Is it normal for my toddler to constantly say they’re sorry for everything?

Dr. Sarah (00:02):

Ever wonder what psychologists moms talk about when we get together, whether we’re consulting one another about a challenging case or one of our own kids, or just leaning on each other when parenting feels hard, because trust me, even when we do this for a living, it’s still hard. Joining me each week in these special Thursday shows are two of my closest friends, both moms, both psychologists, they’re the people I call when I need a sounding board. These are our unfiltered answers to your parenting questions. We’re letting you in on the conversations the three of us usually have behind closed doors. This is Securely Attached: Beyond the Sessions.

(00:41):

Hello. We are back with another listener question at Beyond the Session segment of the Securely Attached podcast. I’ve got Emily Upshur here. How are you doing?

Dr. Emily (00:53):

Hey.

Dr. Sarah (00:55):

I have a question for you. It’s about a 2-year-old, which is adorable.

Dr. Emily (01:01):

I know.

Dr. Sarah (01:02):

I know. This one’s really cute too. Okay. This parent writes in my 2-year-old has started apologizing constantly and for things he doesn’t even need to apologize for. If I step my toe, if his sister is upset or even if I just look frustrated about something that has nothing to do with him, he immediately says, I’m sorry, mommy. Sometimes he even apologizes when I asked him to do something simple. Please put your shoes on. It breaks my heart because I don’t want him to feel like he’s doing something wrong all the time, or that he’s responsible for everyone else’s feelings. I try to tell him, you don’t need to be sorry, sweetheart. You didn’t do anything wrong, but it doesn’t seem to make a difference. How can I help him stop feeling like he has to apologize for everything constantly? It was a little cutie pie.

Dr. Emily (01:51):

I know. I wish I had one that did that. I’ll say that it is developmentally appropriate. So I think this is developmentally appropriate.

Dr. Sarah (02:03):

Well, I think there’s two things that are like, one is this is actually super developmentally appropriate. I actually think this is something that this child is actually trying on. It’s almost like a developmental skill and practicing with repetition. So we see this a lot when, especially for two year olds, and not just in this particular situation, but a kid. You see a lot of repetition in verbalizations and behaviors in two year olds and in their play too. And one of the reasons that’s happening is because that’s when they kind of build a capacity, some type of awareness, some type of skill. They almost can’t not practice it on repeat over and over and over and over again. And so what I think this 2-year-old has kind of leapt into being able to do, but not super well yet, is they’re starting to play with theory of mind. They’re starting to be like, oh, you have a feeling.

(03:06):

Oh, you hurt your toe. Oh, you are upset, sister. Oh mommy, you look frustrated. So they’re trying to imagine what the other person is experiencing, but in their 2-year-old style, they have a OneNote wonder. So they just kind of are repeating this sort of statement. I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I’m sorry. It doesn’t match in the grownup analysis of things, it doesn’t really match what they’re seeing, and that may feel confusing to us. I think this parent totally understandably, is projecting onto their child an interpretation that might not actually be accurate. This parent is thinking, Ooh, they’re feeling bad about everything, even when it’s not their fault. They’re feeling guilt, they’re feeling shame. They’re feeling like they have to manage my emotions, and I don’t think that, I think quite likely that’s not what this two year old’s doing. I think they’re practicing acknowledging that this budding understanding of theory of mind.

Dr. Emily (04:16):

I mean, I think that’s a really good point. I also think, to your point, there’s the natural repetition that’s developmentally appropriate for sort of a 2-year-old, but it’s also kind of the reaction they get. They get this.

Dr. Sarah (04:30):

That was the second thing I was like, this also can then become a learned dynamic. That becomes a little bit of something else.

Dr. Emily (04:37):

Yeah.

Dr. Sarah (04:38):

Exactly. So go on with that thought.

Dr. Emily (04:40):

Yeah, no, my thought was like, oh, that mommy loves me so much when I say that that mom thinks I’m the best. Right? It’s just a warm, fuzzy feeling. Even you and I were like, oh, get this warm fuzzy feeling, which is a really nice interpersonal exchange, but it could be feeding. I want more of that warm fuzzy feeling, and instead of saying, I want a hug, or it becomes this sort of way of getting that it’s a behavioral loop that sort of happens that you get this really nice response and that feels good. And so I agree. I think it’s probably unlikely that this child is feeling really deeply saddened by what’s happened. I’m really so sorry. I think that it could becomes a little bit of this is what you do when somebody stubs their toe. This is the socially I’m sort of trying this on for size. I get that this is what I do in a social interaction.

Dr. Sarah (05:43):

And then when the parent goes in and is like, oh, no, you don’t have to be sorry you didn’t do anything wrong. You’re good. This is where we get into the loop thing, because what the parent might inadvertently be doing is not just reinforcing the behavior they are, but it might also be almost pacifying their anxiety about feeling, sorry, not anxiety. I don’t think this kid’s anxious about it, but it becomes a reassurance seeking loop. So now every time I do maybe feel a little pang of unease about someone’s feeling, I am practicing tracking it. If I say I’m sorry, then someone takes that feeling away from me by soothing me immediately, and then I’m going to be way more likely to keep seeking that reassurance because the, I’m sorry, can start to become reassurance seeking. Tell me, I’m not to blame. Tell me. I don’t have to feel this feeling anymore. And so when we keep taking that away from them by saying like, oh, no, no, no, no, you don’t have to be sorry. Everything’s fine. We are reassuring them, and then we can kind of maintain it. So alternative things to say to a kid might just be like, oh, you noticed that, huh?

(07:03):

And then you’re done, right? Or Yeah, I think really just narrating what they’re observing can be enough to really kind of, it’s not as satisfying of a response for them from you, but it’s also a more accurate response to them from you. So if you stub your toe and they say, I’m sorry, mommy, but they obviously had nothing to do with you stubbing your toe, you’d be like, oh, you noticed I stu my toe. Thanks for checking in on me, bud. If their sister is upset and they say, sorry, mommy, but they have again nothing to do with their sister being upset, you could say, oh, you noticed that your sister’s feeling upset again, if they’re practicing this theory of mind thing, but they haven’t been able to level it up to having the appropriate accurate response. They’re reading it, they’re reading something has happened accurately, but the I’m sorry isn’t actually the right thing to say in that moment. So we’re kind of helping them get better with the language of like, oh, you noticed that I stuck my toe, or you noticed your sister’s upset, or, oh, if you’re not sure I look frustrated about something that has nothing to do with him and he’s saying sorry to me. We we’re going to wonder, oh, I wonder if you are saying that I had a frustrated look on my face. So again, we’re trying to just build out their accuracy in their language.

Dr. Emily (08:35):

And I think even if you’re in the heat of the moment, even if you just don’t say, you don’t have to say sorry, even if you just say, ouch, I think that’s a better learned response to sort of get to the heart of what you’re saying, which is you’re not doubling down and over teaching them that they are somehow responsible, right? Sorry, it insinuates that they have a role in this or insinuates that they understand that something is painful for you and that they have some sort of obligation to address that. And if you’re just like, oof, no, that just, that really hurt. And if they say, I’m sorry, and you say, oh, I know that hurt, then that’s sort of teaching the same thing and with less language, which can sometimes help in the heat of these moments.

Dr. Sarah (09:23):

Yes. This is a 2-year-old too.

Dr. Emily (09:25):

Right?

Dr. Sarah (09:27):

What I love this question. I think that, and I just want to normalize that it makes so much sense for adults to interpret behavior from our kids as meaning something that would match what we…

Dr. Emily (09:42):

That’s right.

Dr. Sarah (09:43):

How we use that language. When we say, I’m sorry, if we were to be saying, I’m sorry all the time, and I dunno if you do this only, I definitely do this. It’s a terrible, I wish I didn’t. It just comes out of my mouth. But if I bump into somebody or if someone bumps into me, I’ll often be like, oh, I’m sorry we do that. Totally. It’s a normal thing to do, but if you are an adult who apologizes a lot, you probably are going to doing that maybe because you are feeling guilty or overly responsible for other people’s feelings. Or maybe you just have word vomit and just comes out of your mouth like me, it’s a reflex.

Dr. Emily (10:22):

Or with this example, you’re an empath and you’re like, that comes out with empath too. And then you interpret your child as empathic. They’re saying they’re sorry, they’re so empathic. Right? I get it. It has to do, and they might be totally, might be. They totally could be. Yeah.

Dr. Sarah (10:37):

But I don’t think we should assume that they’re feeling guilty or that they’re managing other people’s emotions out of a sense of people pleasing or undue sense of burdensome obligation. I don’t think at too, that’s what we have to worry about. Now, if this was a 6-year-old who is constantly doing this. Or an older kid who is constantly doing this, then we have to wonder one, if it’s just that sort of learned loop or if we’re actually dealing with someone who is struggling with feelings of over responsibility for other people’s feelings, in which case then we might want to help them unpack that a little bit. Again, probably not in the moment because again, the, I’m sorry, is a quick and dirty reflex in response to the guilty feeling, but it’s also like they’re feeling intense. That moment for the older kids, not the 2-year-old, but at a later moment when they have more capacity to be separate from that feeling, not quite in it in it, but next to it can look at it, then we can go back with them and be like, you know what? I noticed that you’ve been saying, sorry a lot when this happens, or today when this happened, I noticed you said sorry, but I didn’t read that as something that you had any responsibility in it happening.

(11:56):

But what were you feeling in that moment? So then with older kids, we can unpack it. It is less developmentally appropriate and more likely a sign that they’re holding on some type of responsibility to other people’s feelings or a sense of a strong sensitivity to their own worry, guilt, whatever that we want to help them understand and unpack and then learn some strategies for reframing or taking perspective, checking the facts. Those are all things you can do with an older kid who’s showing something similar to this. But for two, I would say this is super typical.

Dr. Emily (12:37):

But I do like that this listener is kind of breaking a habit. We don’t want this to just be a reflexive habit. And so I love that they’re thinking, I don’t want this to be there right now. Like we’re saying right now, it’s developmentally appropriate and doesn’t have a ton of meaning potentially, but likely. But even so, probably a good habit to sort of have a different strategy on, which is exactly what this listener was spot on with. So thank you for a great question.

Dr. Sarah (13:09):

Love it. I love when we get fun questions like this. I know. Good one. I will see you soon, em, and we will be back to answer more of your questions.

Dr. Emily (13:19):

Bye.

Dr. Sarah (13:21):

Thank you so much for listening. As you can hear, parenting is not one size fits all. It’s nuanced and it’s complicated. So I really hope that this series where we’re answering your questions really helps you to cut through some of the noise and find out what works best for you and your unique child. If you have a burning parenting question, something you’re struggling to navigate or a topic you really want us to shed light on or share research about, we want to know, go to drsarahbren.com/question to send in anything that you want, Rebecca, Emily, and me to answer in Securely Attached: Beyond the Sessions. That’s drsarahbren.com/question. And check back for a brand new securely attached next Tuesday. And until then, don’t be a stranger.