369. Q&A: How do I get my 3-year-old to stop crying over everything?

Dr. Sarah (00:02):

Ever wonder what psychologists moms talk about when we get together, whether we’re consulting one another about a challenging case or one of our own kids, or just leaning on each other when parenting feels hard, because trust me, even when we do this for a living, it’s still hard. Joining me each week in these special Thursday shows are two of my closest friends, both moms, both psychologists, they’re the people I call when I need a sounding board. These are our unfiltered answers to your parenting questions. We’re letting you in on the conversations the three of us usually have behind closed doors. This is Securely Attached: Beyond the Sessions.

(00:41):

Welcome back. We are doing a Q&A episode on the Beyond the Sessions segment of the Securely Attached podcast, and I have Dr. Emily Upshur here to help answer this question. Hi Em.

Dr. Emily (00:57):

Hey.

Dr. Sarah (01:00):

Are you ready for the question of the day?

Dr. Emily (01:02):

Let’s do it.

Dr. Sarah (01:03):

Okay. This parent writes in, she says, hi doctors. I have a question I’d love for you to answer on your podcast. I keep hearing that telling kids don’t cry isn’t good for them, but my three-year-old cries over everything from dropping a toy to leaving the playground. I don’t want to shut down his feelings, but I also don’t want to encourage more crying. What’s the right way to handle these moments? I, first of all, I’m like, you’re totally legit for wanting to not do crying all the time, reduce the crying. That’s very, very challenging. And three, that’s like a daily, many, many men. It’s like an hourly for a lot of kids.

Dr. Emily (01:52):

Yeah, totally.

Dr. Sarah (01:55):

I guess should we start with, I feel like there’s two pieces to this, right? One is why is it that this parent is hearing that telling a kid not to cry is sort of not the best strategy? It’s not great for them. I don’t disagree with that. I think that there’s probably some context necessary because I think there’s a sometimes to everything, but then I also feel like I want to talk a little bit about how do we kind of get around that? How do we support their emotional expression and comfort with their feelings and not shut them down while also being able to help them build some resilience and some strategies for getting through challenging feelings?

Dr. Emily (02:55):

I will tell you a trick, and this is my firm belief. It’s basically opposite action. So if you want to tell your child not to cry and you just say, oh, this is really hard. They’re crying will stop faster, period. I do really believe this. I really believe if we lean, really accept and validate you don’t have to stay there very long, but if you accept and validate, it’s really going to curtail the crying as opposed to fighting the crying and saying, you’re still crying. Why are you crying? Please stop crying. You don’t need to cry. Or let’s cope ahead by telling you not to cry. Those are ways that are, in my experience, going to accelerate crying.

Dr. Sarah (03:44):

So we’re allowed. Then, if I’m hearing you correctly, we’re allowed to want to stop the crying and we are allowed to try to shorten the crying. It’s just what is the strategy that works best?

Dr. Emily (03:56):

That’s right, because everything in your, as you’re saying, oh, this is really hard. Your whole body might be like, stop crying. That’s acceptable. You don’t want to say that out loud. You want to calm your inner self, calm your body and do a little bit of literally opposite action. I want to say stop crying. What I’m going to do instead is I’m going to say, I see you’re having a really hard time, and that might feel…

Dr. Sarah (04:20):

The opposite of what your thought is.

Dr. Emily (04:21):

The opposite, and it might feel hard in your body as a parent, but I really think that that I’ve had my kids stop in their tracks when I do that. They’re like, I didn’t expect that from you. Okay, well now I’m good with my feeling. I’ll talk to you later. It really does.

Dr. Sarah (04:40):

Yeah, but they’re not three anymore. Three year old’s going to keep going for quite a little bit longer.

Dr. Emily (04:44):

That’s true, but I think you’ve done a good as this parent’s asking for a tactic. I think you’ve done a good job. You don’t have to stop the crying, nor can you, right? You can’t control other people, but I think if you validate that feeling, you can just move forward with whatever’s happening next, getting in the car, making dinner. I think you’ve done a really good job If you validate their feeling, get down on their level, help them see that you understand and are there for them when they’re there in that space. I really do think it, I don’t know. You tell me.

Dr. Sarah (05:23):

I’m with you a hundred percent. I also, this mom writes, I don’t want to shut down his feelings, but I also don’t want to encourage more crying, and I think those are two extremes that are not necessarily, like if you do one, the other will happen. I think yes, shutting down the feelings in an attempt to make the crying stop doesn’t really work very well, and the opposite of that isn’t encourage crying, nor is that the outcome. Typically, I get she’s not saying I would otherwise be like, yes, keep crying, cry more, but I think she’s saying, I don’t want to then reinforce something that then leads to more crying, kind of ultimately being encouraged in the long run.

Dr. Emily (06:11):

Yup.

Dr. Sarah (06:11):

But what I, to specifically speak to that piece, I think when we validate the emotions and we move along so we’re not just sitting and wallowing with them, validating is not, we don’t need to stand still because the crying has occurred. I think it’s a lot of it is like, you are crying. We are acknowledging this and we’re not going to try to stop it because that doesn’t usually shorten the crying. Sometimes kids actually just feel more compelled to show you that they are really mad or really sad, and so they will get louder. So we don’t want to hit the brakes, pause the world and just sit and wallow with them. Either we’re going to be like, oh, yeah, like you said, Emily, I like that a lot. Yeah, this is hard. You’re upset about this or whatever, and less is more something brief to acknowledge, and it could, especially if a really sensitive kid, you don’t even need to use words. In fact, sometimes just being give them something to show them that you see it, but then you keep moving.

Dr. Emily (07:24):

Yeah. The moving is really important because the moving is the invitation for them to also move on. They’re not going to move on unless you validate, but the moving forward is the invitation to say, you’ve got this, you can handle this, and we’re going to move forward.

Dr. Sarah (07:39):

So let’s just use this example that this woman gave because it’s like the kid drops the toy. Okay, so we’re going to say, oh, oh, no, you dropped that. Yeah. Oh, bud, and then you can just pick it up and be like, all right, well, here we go. I’m going to set it here. They might not any be no longer interested in playing with this because they’re too upset, but then we’re just going to keep going with kind of whatever we’re doing in that moment. If we’re playing in a room, I might just start tinkering with some of the other toys we’re modeling for them what it looks like to move through and out of a feeling that they’re much more likely to be able to eventually copy that versus, so what we focus on will be what they end up focusing on. So if we focus on their crying, they will continue to focus on their crying or what is making them upset. If we focus on something else, eventually they’re going to start to orient towards what we’re focusing on and be more likely to move on. If it’s leaving the playground, that’s a lot more concrete because we are going to just leave the playground, and if they’re crying, we’re going to just leave with them.

(08:57):

Sometimes that can make it worse before it gets better, but eventually you will get home and eventually you can kind of continue to model that moving on to life kind of mode. And again, it’s not ignoring them, it’s not being pretending like nothing’s wrong, but it’s also just not stopping until they’re fine again.

Dr. Emily (09:21):

That’s right. I, and developmentally, this is a three-year-old, so I always say three-year-olds are still, it’s not considered avoidance or anything. Three year olds are still okay with jazz hands over here, so I always call it jazz hands over here. A little distraction to your point, I think is sort of what we’re talking about in terms of moving on or reorienting is really appropriate for this age, right?

Dr. Sarah (09:43):

Yeah.

Dr. Emily (09:44):

Don’t you remember we want to go home and do blah, blah, blah or more immediately, look, what’s in my bag. I just found a blah, blah, blah. I think there’s a real place for that after the validating, after saying, oh, that was tough. Again, they’re going to move on quicker if we start in that order of operations.

Dr. Sarah (10:04):

But yeah, I definitely think it’s totally, you’ve permitted to distract. I just think you don’t start with it.

Dr. Emily (10:11):

At this age, it’s appropriate.

Dr. Sarah (10:13):

Yeah. I think that hopefully is helpful because I really do get this person’s question. It’s a little confusing because there’s a lot of mixed messaging out there, and frankly, a lot of the messaging is presented in absolutes, like never tell a kid, don’t cry. Well, there’s a million scenarios where that might actually makes a lot of sense. It’s just how you do that is going to be more important. Yes, yes. You don’t want to shut down a kid’s feelings, but telling a kid, is this a big deal or a small deal? Is this a big problem or a small problem? Is this something that you’re upset about or is this something that it bothered you a little bit? Again, I’m saying this a million different ways just because I don’t say all these words at once to your kid, but find the right tone that makes it sound like the way you talk.

(11:12):

And again, if your three year old’s at a 10 and you do this, they will not be hearing you. But if they’re a five, six out of 10 and they’re crying, you’ve got a little bit more leeway too. So it also depends on the level of dysregulation that we’re dealing with in the moment of crying. If it’s a 10, just let them ride the wave. There’s nothing you’re going to be able to do in that moment to help them reconstitute. They just need to let the whole thing flow out of them and come back to earth when they’re done. But if they’re kind of just like that whiny cry, that’s only 60%, then you have a little bit more room to help them be like, is this a big problem or a little problem? And again, that’s also more helpful if you’ve planted that kind of language beforehand in totally chill, not hot moments.

(12:09):

So when a kid isn’t really upset at all, modeling this distinction of big problem, little problem, hard to solve problem, easy to solve problem, because also that’s teaching perspective taking, which is what this three-year-old developmentally appropriately so is not able to do in this moment. And so again, we don’t expect a to be able to perspective take regularly even when they are in the best mood ever, but it’s a skill. It’s a lagging skill that usually leads to this frustrated tantruming that happens all the time. They can’t really distinguish reliably if something is worth crying about or not. So we can start to build that skill totally in unrelated, chill, calm, happy moments, and then you can draw upon that language in a more rot moment if they are in a zone where they can tolerate that. So that’s another thing you can think about too, but it’s not an absolute. It’s not an all or nothing. You’re going to have to play with it, play with the moment, play with the level of regulation your kid is able to access. But yeah, I think you got this. Definitely. You’re asking the right questions.

Dr. Emily (13:32):

Yep.

Dr. Sarah (13:33):

I love it. Good luck to you. Get some good earplugs. That also helps. I’m not kidding, really. When we are less vulnerable to the overwhelm, that can come with kids who are crying a lot. I know. I got those, like, this is not an ad.

Dr. Emily (13:53):

No, I know those ones.

Dr. Sarah (13:55):

It’s a company called Flare and they’re like these.

Dr. Emily (13:57):

That’s not one of the ones I know.

Dr. Sarah (13:59):

Loop is the other one. I think Loop one, I was thinking, and my husband has loops, I use Flare, and they’re like hollow earplugs. They’re really subtle, but they’re I guess designed to keep frequencies that are really high and really look low from being too intense. So it just kind of takes the edge off sounds. That’s amazing. God recommend looking into something like that if your kid’s crying just irritates you because that’s totally legit. It’s really hard.

Dr. Emily (14:29):

I love that. And that did not exist in my three-year-olds.

Dr. Sarah (14:34):

I literally bore them to my kid’s birthday party at a arcade on this weekend, and I was like, thank God I found these because I really hate those really loud places.

Dr. Emily (14:45):

Oh my gosh, don’t cry, Sarah. Don’t cry.

Dr. Sarah (14:50):

Oh God, yeah. Just get ear plugs and you know, I’m to cry about it.

Dr. Emily (14:53):

Just get plugs. Don’t cry.

Dr. Sarah (14:54):

Oh my God. All right. Good luck to you all out there with your crying children. It never stops. All right. Bye Em.

Dr. Emily (15:05):

Bye.

Dr. Sarah (15:07):

Thank you so much for listening. As you can hear, parenting is not one size fits all. It’s nuanced and it’s complicated. So I really hope that this series where we’re answering your questions really helps you to cut through some of the noise and find out what works best for you and your unique child. If you have a burning parenting question, something you’re struggling to navigate or a topic you really want us to shed light on or share research about, we want to know, go to drsarahbren.com/question to send in anything that you want, Rebecca, Emily, and me to answer in Securely Attached: Beyond the Sessions. That’s drsarahbren.com/question. And check back for a brand new securely attached next Tuesday. And until then, don’t be a stranger.