Stephanie (00:00):

Often people feel bad for how they feel because this isn’t role models in a healthy way. Emotions tend to be either explosive or not expressed. There’s nothing wrong with having an emotion. Again, we get in trouble with what we choose to do with that emotion. So being able to acknowledge, I’m angry, this isn’t fair, great. You’re right, right? It’s a teaching moment. So being able to allow the energy of the emotion to come through so it’s released.

Dr. Sarah (00:32):

Have you ever noticed how your energy or the energy of those around you can shift the entire mood of a room? Energy is all around us influencing how we feel, how we interact with our kids, and even how we make decisions in our lives. But how does this actually work? Is there science behind it or is it just another woowoo concept? And more importantly, how can we use this awareness to create more calm connection and abundance in our daily lives? This week I’m joined by Stephanie Filardi, an energy practitioner and the co-founder of Bronxville Wellness Sanctuary. In this conversation, we’re diving deep into what really means to direct our energy, why emotions themselves aren’t inherently bad, but how we respond to them can make all the difference. And what the research reveals on how what we focus our attention and energy on impacts the brain and the body. Plus, at the end of the interview, Stephanie guides us through a simple but powerful meditation that you can return to again and again. So if you’re curious about how energy impacts your parenting, your relationships, and your ability to create the life you want, this episode is definitely for you.

(01:53):

Hi, I’m Dr. Sarah Bren, a clinical psychologist and mom of two. In this podcast, I’ve taken all of my clinical experience, current research on brain science and child psychology, and the insights I’ve gained on my own parenting journey and distilled everything down into easy to understand and actionable parenting insights. So you can tune out the noise and tune into your own authentic parenting voice with confidence and calm. This is Securely Attached.

(02:22):

Hello, welcome back to the securely attached podcast. We have Stephanie Filardi here with us today, and this is special because well, we’ll get into it. But Stephanie, you are an energy practitioner, which we’ll also talk about how that means so many things, but we have a very special relationship. I’m just so grateful that you are here today.

Stephanie (02:49):

Thank you. It’s great to be here.

Dr. Sarah (02:53):

So we’ll get into how we’ve worked together, I’m sure later, but I’ve been seeing Stephanie for about two years now to work on my own relationship with my energy. And I know that might sound a little confusing to people, so I promise we’ll get into what that means. But Stephanie, do you want to just kind of say hello to everyone and let them know what you do and how you got on this journey of working in this way?

Stephanie (03:25):

Sure. So I like to say that what I do is I teach people how to be, I teach how to people be in the world, and I got started on this journey a few decades ago when I was going through my own challenges and trauma in my life, and I always was wondering there be more. There’s got to be more than this physical body, and why am I here? A lot of the big questions that many of us ask when it feels like everything’s falling apart. So I started really looking at my life and spiritually and what I was doing, and I got into yoga and meditation, which led me to energy healing and soul work. So over the years, my work is a combination of all of it with the intention of bringing people back to themselves because when we are aligned with ourselves and connected to ourself, we can make choices that are in alignment, which creates abundance on all levels and everything improves.

Dr. Sarah (04:22):

Yeah, and it’s interesting because you are so in tune with your spiritual self and your energy. I know that about you Well, but you are not. One of the things I love about having worked with you for so long is that my sort of sciencey brain is so welcome. In our work together, I have to name the elephant in the room, which is a lot of people are like, this is woo woo, and I don’t believe that this is relevant to me, and I am like a scientist, a psychologist. So much of my life has been spent studying the brain, and I was also a little skeptical in the beginning of my long journey, well before I started working with you into connecting inward, thinking about the mind as separate from the brain and thinking about the role of meditation and mindfulness and self connectedness and energy regulation in my life. And obviously if anyone’s listening to this podcast, they know there’s a ton of science behind these functions and these tools that we can bring into our life, but I’ve never felt like there was in any way a conflict between that in the way you work.

Stephanie (05:59):

Thank you. Yes, and I love actually having the challenging conversations about spirituality and woo woo because I joke that I have the ability to put a cape on a hat on burn incense and shake a rattle, but I can also run a business. So I’ve been lucky to be able to kind of do both worlds. But I think ultimately what it comes down to is meeting people where they are, and it’s really about these practices. I’ve learned these practices that I don’t have all the answers. I don’t want to have all the answers, and that having an open and curious mind is probably the most important thing. So when you come in as a scientist, I learned from you and I learned how you speak in a certain way, and maybe we say, a lot of times we joke that we’re both kind of saying the same thing.

(06:43):

The words might sound different. So for me, it’s ultimately about the mind always wants to analyze and judge and get the answer and no, which is fine. It’s not good or bad. But in the spirit realm and the energetic realm, a lot of times we don’t have that concrete and we’re so used to wanting to see it and know it. So ultimately what I encourage people to do is just come back to the feeling and how you feel and pay attention to that and be in the experience. So if we say, oh, that’s woo woo, or meditation doesn’t work, the invitation is try it and see how you feel, and if it makes you feel better, great.

Dr. Sarah (07:23):

Yeah, and we do have the science, I mean, I’ll link to some of the episodes we’ve done, but I’ve had researchers and psychologists and neuroscientists on the podcast talking about the science of meditation and how it really does not just improve psychiatric symptoms, but it changes the structure of the brain and we know that we now care enough to study about it, and it’s helped me significantly. So let’s talk a little bit about, if you don’t mind kind of explaining a little bit about what is energy work. I know it can take a lot of different forms, but I first started coming to you to do reiki and that evolved into a lot of more deeper work. Can you explain the field a little bit to people?

Stephanie (08:18):

Yeah, absolutely. So we’re made of energy. So the example that I like to give is if you walk into a cocktail party, some people will immediately feel the energy of somebody else that’s energy. So no words are spoken, but we feel the energy. So that’s ultimately who we are and what we are made of. So what ends up happening with energy work when we kind of do energy work is over time in our body, we kind of absorb the issues that we experience, especially as children stay in our tissues. So a lot of times what ends up happening is we have all these blocks and restrictions. So what does that look like in life? It could look like we continue to make the same choices. We are in some sort of a pattern. We feel like something is missing. We feel a sense of confusion. So ultimately what ends up happening is we create these blocks in our body and we don’t even realize it because there’s so second nature to us. So what we end up doing in the energy work is we end up clearing it out. It’s almost like you come back to that blank canvas.

(09:21):

And we clear the imprints and the patterns because we’re energy, what we experience we’re putting out, we’re getting back. So oftentimes we’ll say, oh, well this is happening to me or this person did that. But what we start to learn as we kind of dive deeper is I’m the creator of my experience and what’s in my body? What am I holding onto that no longer serves me? When we were little, it might’ve, and we’ve talked about that, but it no longer serves me. So how can I clear it? How can I be a vessel? How can I be a channel where I’m holding what I want to hold, but I’m releasing the things that don’t serve me? Does that make sense based on your experience?

Dr. Sarah (10:00):

It makes so much sense. And the funny thing is, you said earlier, you and I, we say the same things, but we use different words to say it. You just described psychotherapy really, truly we hold on to, you’re talking about it in the form of energy. We talk about it in the form of felt experiences or beliefs. And we know this famous book by Bessel van der Kolk, The Body Keeps the Score. We hold trauma in our body. Psychologists, the psych world believes this true too. And so one of the functions of psychotherapy is to understand, and we do it from a kind of mind, a thinking based, language-based way. You do it from a physiological felt bodily sense way. But we’re saying we need to figure out what we hold onto from our past. Understand that it was very, very almost always put there because we needed it to be there in if the time everything we do is self-protective in some manner or other, or that’s the intention behind it, but it might not serve us anymore. And so we have to understand it to be able to let go of it, to reorganize the belief systems, in your case, reorganize the energetic body. And I think it’s so important to draw those parallels because at the end of the day, we are just doing trying to relieve suffering and increase presence and connection. Connection with yourself, connection with the people you care about us the goal, right?

Stephanie (11:42):

Yes. And there’s many paths, and I always like to say there’s no right or wrong because I feel like a lot of humans get stuck in the judgment and the shame and it’s like, oh, there’s something wrong with me, or I’m not a good parent, or I’m not a good spouse, or I’m not a good whatever. And it’s like when we’re in that energy and we tell this a lot, the lack energy and what I’m doing wrong, that’s what we continue to attract. So one of the exercises that I do and with people, it’s like if you think about something and you think about, let’s say you have a family gathering and you’re like, every time I go to this family gathering, it’s miserable, right? The in-laws make me crazy. So you have this already. You’re coming into something that’s coming up with a negative idea.

(12:26):

So the thoughts are creating the emotion. So now our energy is all scattered and we don’t want to go there. Now if we decided that this is a new moment, and then I’m going to go to this family gathering and I’m going to have a blast no matter what, and I am going to enjoy myself and I’m going to see something in a person that I’ve never seen before, because that’s the experience I want to have. So I’m going to create that experience. So now all of a sudden we start changing our thoughts to positive ones. Maybe we even start to get curious and excited. The emotions follow suit, and then the energy follows suit. And that’s really the formula. So the mind is yes, it’s powerful and we need to direct it. I always say the mind is a terrible master. It’s a wonderful servant, but it needs direction. And we are the ones that lead it, but we lead it based on where our energy is and what we’re believing about ourself, about the world. So, so much of this, and I don’t want to go off the rails here, but so much of this comes down to what do I believe? Do I believe that I’m capable? Do I believe that I’m worthy of abundance? Do I believe that I can have peaceful relationships?

Dr. Sarah (13:36):

Yeah.

Stephanie (13:38):

So that is so vital.

Dr. Sarah (13:40):

And I think for a lot of people, that’s the first step is to actually recognize, I mean, you can move through your whole life not realizing you have beliefs that I don’t actually think I can have good relationships.

Stephanie (13:56):

Exactly.

Dr. Sarah (13:57):

And yet when you tap into that knowing, oh my goodness, I have that belief. I didn’t realize I had it, but oh, I think I do on some level keep thinking I can’t have good relationships and people are not trustworthy and we should avoid them. We should doubt them. I do a lot of parts work, which is rooted in internal family systems therapy, which is our IFS. And in that way of thinking about it, you might sort of be curious how old is the part of you that holds that belief system? And very often when I ask someone, how old does that part of you that believes you can’t have good relationships, even if I’ve never explained the concept of parts work before, they very instinctively just give me an age. And it’s usually young. I was six when I realized that. I think that’s a 6-year-old part of me that thinks that. And so I wonder too is do you think of energy as having ages?

Stephanie (15:02):

No, I don’t think of it like that. Do I think that these things come into, we create these blocks and patterns at certain ages in our life, so this is when this started. Yes. If we’re told at the age of six you’re not good enough, then we might start to believe that. So we give so much energy to that thought and we keep carrying it as we get older that people actually start to believe that about us. We show up. So it’s almost like these thought forms gain momentum of themselves. And we start to believe it until one day, hopefully we wake up and go, wait a second. And that usually happens when we’re in some sort of suffering or life isn’t working out the way we want, and we’re finally ready to say, okay, now I’m willing to try the woowoo meditation, which most of us as humans, and again, it’s not about judging. I laugh about it. I say all the time, we’re messy and complicated and beautiful and amazing. So understand that’s part of the human condition, which is another thing I want to lead into with the meditation. What happens in the meditation is we’re able to calm the nervous system enough and access the stillness where we can actually ask ourselves, what are my beliefs? Because in the absence of having some sort of a practice that slows us down and draws us in, we are never going to ask the question or get the answer.

Dr. Sarah (16:24):

Yeah, I mean, that’s been one of, for me, one of the most beneficial outcomes of the work I’ve been doing with you over the last couple of years is that my brain moves so fast and that’s good for me in some places and terrible for me in others because I don’t, don’t stop and check in very often. I’m whirling to the next. And I will often describe it as I’m skiing downhill so fast that I’m getting ahead of my skis, so I have no steering and it feels like I’m free falling sometimes the speed. And I feel like one of the most important things I’ve learned from you, I know I need to slow down, but that’s been elusive to me. How do I actually do it with my mind in the mind? And so figuring out ways to slow down the speed at which my mind is moving, which then makes my body move at that, everything slows down. I feel like my nervous system has been so much more regulated, my ability. So it’s not just about thoughts. It’s when my mind slows, my whole body can rest. And I didn’t use to be able to do that. And it’s changed so much just for my health. It’s been so important, I think, and my parenting, which I want to get into also, but I’m curious if you have any thoughts on that.

Stephanie (17:55):

Yes, of course. Because yeah, when you slow it down, so think about it in real life, I say all the time you can sit on the meditation cushion, nobody’s around. You light the candle, you have a great 20 minutes, and then all of a sudden when the door and life is at you and you lose it. So to me, life is a meditation. Honestly, the practice, what we do when we sit and meditate is we cultivate the discipline of putting space between what’s going on in our mental emotional body and our behavior. So most of us get in trouble because of the behavior. It’s not that the thought or the emotion is bad or wrong necessarily, it’s that we let it drive us. So when we’re in a situation where we’re being confronted, whether it’s by our children or our spouse or whoever it is in our world, that’s triggering us. When we have the discipline to start to slow down, when we start to feel ourselves speeding up, because we practice a meditation, the mind remembers the discipline. It’s like muscle memory. We can actually ground through our feet, take a deep breath and choose how to respond instead of react. And that is probably the greatest gift. One of that I have ever received from this practice is in that gap between what’s happening and my behavior. What am I doing? Where am I? And that is life-changing, just not alone, that practice.

Dr. Sarah (19:17):

And you just described something that I imagine as a parent, we are desperately seeking in our kids. How many parents listening to this give us an invisible hand raise because I can’t see you, but how many times have you thought to yourself, my kid just did this impulsive thing and I am to teach them that they can’t do that thing, that they have to slow down and think before they take an action? That is one of the most elementary pieces of what we think of as our role of parenting. I can’t tell you how many parents call me because they want to have a better handle on managing their children’s behaviors. And inherent to what you just described is the reframe I’m constantly giving to parents, which is the behavior is a byproduct of regulation. If you want them to be able to behave in a certain way that they know is the most appropriate way, then you don’t need to keep teaching them don’t hit. They already know that it’s not okay to hit. They’re not hitting. They think it’s okay to hit. They’re hitting because that space between feeling something and acting on the impulse that that feeling initiates is too tight, too small. It’s instant, it’s there. They’re too close together. And the goal is to stretch that space out and help a child understand, I’m getting really mad right now. This feeling is really intensifying. I really want to hit my brother.

(20:59):

But if I’m thinking that out loud in my mind, I’m actively knowing that I might still hit, let’s be honest, where kids are not great at choosing that impulse in that moment. But you can’t not hit if you don’t have the choice. You can choose not to hit. You can choose with practice and support and scaffolding and a lot of developmental time to say, I don’t want to hit you. I really want my thing back. Can you please just give me my toy? I was working with that and I need you to get back. That’s mine. Right now, I’m using a totally different approach that’s so much more skillful. But that’s not because of behavior training, it’s because of regulation and the capacity to notice a feeling, regulate the feeling, regulate the impulse and the urge and the action that follows it and make a choice. If we can understand that, it will completely reorient us as parents as to like, well, what’s my goal? If I want my kids to behave a certain way, I have to stop focusing on the behavior. I have to start focusing on helping them first, me helping them to regulate by co-regulating, and then eventually helping them to internalize those skills and regulate.

Stephanie (22:23):

Yeah, perfect. And first though, I as a parent need to be regulated. If I’m at a 10, a lot of these practices are designed if one is like zen and 10 is off the charts. If we’re always at an aid, it doesn’t take much to get to a 10, but if we can kind of hover between four and five. So it always starts with, how am I showing up? Do I need to take a breath? And I love what you said about being able to, you didn’t say this exactly, but use the words because I think the other piece of this is yes, being centered in ourself, teaching our children how to be centered and teaching them how to honor the feelings. Because I feel like often people feel bad for how they feel because this isn’t role models in a healthy way. Emotions tend to be either explosive or not expressed.

(23:11):

There’s nothing wrong with having an emotion. Again, we get in trouble with what we choose to do with that emotion. So being able to acknowledge, I’m angry, this isn’t fair, great. You’re right. It’s a teaching moment. So being able to allow the energy of the emotion to come through so it’s released and the child feels seen and heard and understood, and from a young age, learning that emotions aren’t bad, but we have choices. And this is also we’re talking as adults, and I do this to myself all the time. How can I skillfully work with this emotion? Is there a conversation I need to have with somebody? Do I need to give it a little more space so we end up taking back control? It’s not outside of us. As many of us would like to think, we’re not victims, it’s here.

Dr. Sarah (23:59):

No, and it’s true. I feel like most parents come to me because they want to help their kids. I’ll trace it back, right? They’re focused on a kid’s behavior. We bring it back to we have to first focus on their regulation, which then just like you said, naturally comes back to which we have to first go to our regulation. And in order to go to our regulation, we have to create some space. And most parents who have kids who have explosive behaviors feel really burnt out because parenting a kid who has explosive behaviors, who has a sensitive nervous system, who feels really big feelings and has really strong impulses is exhausting. And so our nervous systems are also super connected to their nervous systems. And so we’re feeling, like you were saying, always use that story when you were trying to explain energy work. And how we have energy is like, oh, I walk into a cocktail party and I can feel what other people are. I can feel the energy of the space versus when I walk into, I don’t know, a doctor’s office, different energy. There is nothing like a parent child relationship to teach you that you can feel someone else’s energy.

(25:20):

We all can feel other people’s energy to some degree, whether we’re aware of it or not is to be Barry’s, I’m sure. But we all have the capacity to feel other people’s energies. But how tuned in you are to a stranger’s energy versus how tuned in you are to your child’s energy or far more important, how tuned in your child is to your energy cannot be understated. That is probably one of the strongest signals I would imagine, when it comes to, I don’t know, energy fields.

Stephanie (25:53):

Definitely.

Dr. Sarah (25:54):

Can you explain that in a way that makes sense? Can you translate that into how you would explain it?

Stephanie (25:59):

Yes. I’ll tell you, it was very simple. If I asked you how a cell phone works, what would you say?

Dr. Sarah (26:06):

It sends out a signal. I don’t even know. It sends out a signal.

Stephanie (26:10):

But we rely on it. We use it. I mean, ultimately with energy, you have to experience it, but we have cords and connections with people. It’s like you think of someone and they call you, or you have a feeling about someone and then something happens. And everybody has different levels of sensitivity with that. And the reason why it’s energy. Energy, you feel your child. You don’t have to be in the same room. So this is what it is. It’s the mind always wants to make it concrete. It’s a feeling, it’s a sensation. And when we have relationships with people, especially when it’s familial relationships, we develop chords and connections, which is why it’s so important to understand what’s my stuff. Even like, and you and I have talked about this, Sarah, what’s my stuff from childhood that I’m holding onto that I’m now projecting on my children? Well, your child is a completely different soul. What does your child need? Maybe you didn’t get something, but don’t assume that that’s the thing your child needs. So it always comes back to being present and looking at ourself. And then you can read the room, and then you can start asking the questions of like, what’s really going on here? Am I projecting this on my child? Or is this something that’s really going to help them?

Dr. Sarah (27:22):

And that sensitivity though, right? You were saying we all have some sense of signals and connectors. Receptors, but with the parent child relationship, I’m curious. I don’t know if it’s like, I would assume it’s probably the attachment relationship because we are really hardwired, our evolution has evolved in such a way that we have these really hardwired neural systems that are just developed from birth to turn on and off based on the proximity to our primary care figure. This is we imprint, right? People are not neutral. The person who I imprint on, who I have this attachment relationship with from the beginning, I am wired to orient to them in a different way than I orient to somebody I don’t know, or even somebody I know, but not in the way that I know my mom or my dad or the person who’s my attachment, my primary attachment figure. So the brain’s sensitivity, and I would imagine if the brain sensitive, so is the nervous systems, the nervous system’s sensitivity to dialing into that person’s channel has got to be so much stronger.

Stephanie (28:45):

Yes. Yes. Because where our attention goes, our energy flows. So the more energy and attention we focus on something, the more it grows. So of course, when you’re living with somebody day in and day out and you’re energetically connected, you’re physically connected, especially if you’ve had this child and you’ve carried this child, right? In that case, your day in and day out. So everything is on high alert for this child. So think about the attention that we give even when the child isn’t there. So the child could be at school and we’re thinking about the child at night. So it becomes all consuming sometimes. So yes, anytime we give attention to something that it just grows,

Dr. Sarah (29:24):

Yeah.

Stephanie (29:24):

The connection grows, the bond grows. Which is why I say to people, when we’re doing energy work, where is this person in your energy field? Are you continuing to energize this person long after they’re gone? How much energy are you consuming? Right? Or are you allowing yourself to by thoughts, your, and that’s just a thought. Forget about the actual physical connection and then the exchange of energy and emotion.

Dr. Sarah (29:48):

And the brain chemistry, because you want to hear a funny, I dunno why this popped in my head as we were talking, but there’s this funny little scientific anecdote that I feel like is kind of interesting. So you were saying even when they’re not there, we can generate thoughts about them, obviously. But those thoughts aren’t just thoughts. They have neurochemical effects. So for example, anyone who’s ever gone back to work, while breastfeeding might know this, but they often will tell you, bring a picture of your child or something that smells like your child when you’re pumping at work, because that scent or that visual stimuli can activate. It’s not just, oh, I’m thinking about my child. What it does is it actually activates the brain’s production of oxytocin and prolactin, which releases, which turns on the breast production, the breast milk production. And so you can actually have more success pumping at work if you have something that makes you think of your child, not because you’re thinking of it, but because thinking of it activates actual neurochemical changes in the brain that have an actual physiological and concrete effect.

Stephanie (30:56):

Yes.

Dr. Sarah (30:57):

It’s so powerful, the mind.

Stephanie (31:00):

And emotion. So think about it. You look at the picture of your child, there’s love, there’s nourishment, there’s care. And this is the power of, we’ve talked about this too, visualization. If I want to manifest something, I am going to spend time every day to visualize it happening. I’m going to visualize it and I’m going to also attach emotion to it. And as I attach emotion to it, I’m aligning my thoughts with my emotions, with my energy so that when I’m in the world, I’ve trained the brain and you have the scientific terms. I don’t, but you understand what I’m saying. I have now trained the brain to filter out all the other options because this is the one I want.

Dr. Sarah (31:39):

Yes.

Stephanie (31:39):

So same thing. And even this could be a practice maybe that some of the parents use with their children visualizing a peaceful environment, visualizing the outcome you want. It’s not woo woo, no, it’s visualizing and emotion. It’s the combination because it puts our entire body in alignment holistically with what we want to have happen. And over time with the practice, we start to then again, be very specific about what we’re filtering and what we’re allowing in. So we’re the creators.

Dr. Sarah (32:09):

Yeah. I want to give a very concrete example of what this could look like in reality just to anchor it. So one of the ways that I would recommend a parent who’s listening to this be like, okay, great. How do I manifest a chill morning in my house because crazy in my house. And I’m like, okay, relatable. I’m in that and I’ll just talk about it from my own experience. So a lot of times I’m terrible waking up in the morning, I’m always running late. And so I wake up late, I immediately see the clock and I’m like, oh my God, we got to go and I’m rushing and spiraling around the house, get dressed. I’m making lunches in a rush. I’m packing bags. I’m like, we don’t have a minute left to spare. So energetically, how am I showing up in that space in the house?

(32:57):

I wake out of bed at eight, I am rushing around. My kids are going to get pulled into this tornado of urgency and stress because we have these interconnected, energetic signals are nervous, they’re reading my energy. They don’t just see it, they feel it. And so now they’re moving up to an eight. And so as soon as something doesn’t go well, we all fall apart right now. Let’s just say we’re going to try this strategy. And I think it’s easier to do this before you go to bed, if you always wake up in this way. So before I go to bed, I’m going to take a minute, I’m laying in bed and I’m going to visualize a different morning. I’m going to walk myself through. From the moment the alarm goes off, I’m going to notice how that sound makes my body feel, which is usually an uncomfortable feeling.

(34:01):

And I’m going to even just there be like, okay, how do I let that sound just move in and out of my body? I’m going to move into my bathroom. I’m going to get myself ready. I’m going to center myself. I’m going to do what I need to do for me, and then I’m going to go and wake up my kids, go downstairs, make the breakfasts or lunches, all of it. And we might still have the same amount of time. I’m not extending or contracting the amount of time I have. I’m just changing energetically how I’m visualizing myself show up. And I might also think, like you were saying, that care, that affective of caring, if I can activate those care affective responses like, oh, I want to show up with care towards my kids. I want to show up with peace and calm and happiness towards my kids.

(34:58):

If I go into the morning and I just ground myself in that intention, I’m not saying that it will go smoothly and I won’t have anything that disregulates me. I’m just saying I’m probably going to start the day closer to a three than an eight. And if I start the day closer to a three, as the time urgency does come in, and as the kids don’t get their clothes on when I ask, and as things start to fall apart, I might climb still because I’m a human being and I’m going to react to my environment, but I might climb from a three to a five. And five is cool. We could get a lot done. Five, our kids will be at a five and we will be moving. And that is I think just to concretize what visualization can do in terms of the impact it has on our regulation thermometer and how contagious that regulation thermometer is and how it sets a tone. We can set a tone in our home with our energy.

Stephanie (36:02):

We do the tone, we do it all the time, whether we’re conscious of it, not just our home, wherever we go, we’re responsible for the energy we show up with. And I love what you said, and it’s a great example, do it. But before bed, and also even in the morning, I say before you fly out of bed, you don’t have to sit in a 20 minute meditation. If you don’t have time for that, take a moment to breathe. And when your feet hit the floor, just even I peace. It’s not that hard. It’s just habit and it’s repetition, right? It’s like what I said with meditation. You don’t go to the gym once and feel like your muscles and your body is going to change. You go repeatedly and you build muscle memory. It’s the same thing with any of these practices to do that. And then you can even extend it. Oh, now how do I want am visualizing my children showing up? How am I visualizing my partner showing up the fill limit? But it’s always starting with us, always starts with us.

Dr. Sarah (37:02):

And I imagine, because I’ve heard people say this to me and I have a lot of empathy for it, that’s frustrating to hear. It starts with me. I have to do the work too bad. Why do I have to do the work

Stephanie (37:13):

Too bad? Too bad? Because we are responsible for how we show up. We are responsible for our choices. And I love that you said that It’s about accepting is we’ve talked about this too. Acceptance doesn’t mean you like it doesn’t mean you asked for it. Doesn’t mean you want more of it, but acceptance is like a truth from that says, this is what’s here and this is what I’m dealing with. And this is where we could take all the woo and I say lay on the plane. We’re in the physical world. We can travel to spiritual dimensions and have spiritual practices to gain the wisdom, but ultimately, I’m in this form. Kids need to be fed. Animals need to be walking to get dressed. Make no mistake about it. We’re physical beings and that’s how we transmit our work in the world. So we have to be realistic with what’s facing us. And if someone’s coming at saying that, what I hear is victims with all due respect, of course.

Dr. Sarah (38:09):

Yes.

Stephanie (38:10):

And what I hear is this person is carrying some stuff where they’re in this past always having to be the one to do the work. So what happened in their childhood, right? I’m going to go right there in my mind, what happened in their childhood where their needs weren’t met, where they feel like it’s all on them, where the boundaries need to be tightened, right? So I’m sure you relate because we’ve probably talked about some of these things. So we always get to look at us, and if we don’t want to show up that way, and I’m feeling that way, to me, again, I love getting in there. It’s a crisis, but it’s an opportunity to say, well, why am I showing up like that? Where do I need to stop saying yes to everything? Where do I need to use my voice and ask for support? Where do I need to say no? Because our life experience, so much of this that I have learned is how do I want to show up? Do I always want how I’m feeling and how I’m showing up in my life to be dictated based on the person and the circumstances and the situations? We know we can’t control those things.

(39:10):

I can only ever control how I show up, and I want to show up as peaceful and loving and kind and benevolent and joyful and light as I can. That’s my standard. Do I miss it? A lot of days, of course. But if I’m starting there, it’s a lot easier. And then what happens is I start to focus on, well, this isn’t aligning. I look at this. So if we never ask the question, we don’t even know. We don’t even know.

Dr. Sarah (39:43):

Yeah. Yeah. I love it. And I also think it’s very important what you said, these are my goals. That’s my compass, but I’m not going to get there every day and I’m going to move in and out of it a lot. That’s the reality of what this looks like. We can have a north star of peace and connection and ease and love and joy. We want to be orienting to that and checking in so that we make sure we’re still pointing in that direction. But make no mistake in and out of the day, you are not going to be zen mama all the time. No. And you’re not supposed to be. And it isn’t ever a real, can we talk a little bit about setting kind of realistic expectations, what this really ends up looking like in real life?

Stephanie (40:32):

Of course, in my experience, it looks like the intention and then practicing nonattached and non-judgment.

(40:40):

Because as humans we want to attach always attaching. That was a really good experience. I want to repeat that. That was a really bad experience. It’s exhausting because the ego always wants to control. So for me, it’s about, yes, set the intention, do the work, and then live your life and take everything that you’re experiencing as feedback. So when we give ourselves the time and space to reflect and be present, then it starts to become just the way we live and in tune. So always compassion, always grace, always mercy and a lot of laughter because we’re hot messes. And I mean that with love. We have to laugh at the silliness sometimes. But I can only laugh because I’ve had to go through the dark nights. I can only laugh because at almost 50 I’ve had to deal with a lot of trauma and loss and suffering, and I’m like, hopefully I’ll be here for another at least 45 years. And I want to love and be love and light as much as I can. So this doesn’t come because I woke up like this. Believe me, believe me. And it’s a daily practice.

Dr. Sarah (41:47):

You said something just now, you said the ego wants to attach or the ego wants to. What did you say about the ego?

Stephanie (41:54):

Control.

Dr. Sarah (41:55):

Yeah. Can you talk about what that your word for ego is different than what psychologists refer to as ego? Like ego is super ego if we’re not going to get into that. But can we talk a little bit about what the ego is?

Stephanie (42:09):

Yes. So the way I experience ego, it’s not about right or wrong or to bad. It’s about when I find myself showing up in a situation where I feel like I’m not enough, I’m trying to control or I’m trying to be right, or I feel less than, it literally takes me out of what I consider to be my spiritual existence because it’s never going to be satisfying. It’s always a lack. It’s always coming from lack. It closes me down. It’s contractive and it’s human. So because I’m a very spiritual person, my feeling is, and the way I experience the world is I look at something and I go, well, is this choice coming from ego? Am I responding to this person or responding to my life from a place of ego where it’s not good enough, I’m trying to control, I’m trying to be right, or am I experiencing my spiritual divine self? And when I’m spiritually experiencing my spiritual divine self, I know that we’re all one. And I know that we’re all love and light. So it helps me to have a conversation. And again, it helps me to orient and it puts me in the place of abundance. So instead of saying, oh, he did this to me, or she did this to me, or it’s not enough, I can calm my body.

(43:28):

And it’s not always this competition because when we think we’re right, it makes another person wrong and that never works.

Dr. Sarah (43:36):

That’s interesting. So I would maybe in my work with people sometimes talk about out the defenses versus what is my integrated whole self thinking and saying. And so that sounds like a sort of similar parallel to what you’re talking about my whole self when I’m not in a defensive state, when I’m not in a self-protective state, or it’s ego state as you would call it, of I want to control, I want to explain, I want to justify, I want to protect myself versus this integrated whole self that is calm and safe and can look at things more objectively and say, and with a lot of self and other compassion. Compassion for myself, compassion for someone else. That’s a place where we can perspective take. Okay? We can give each other the benefit of the doubt from that place. Like, okay, when I’m in a defensive state or maybe this ego state, I want to blame you for making me mad or making me late or not listening.

(44:45):

When I said, put your shoes on for the 15th time. When I’m in my sort of centered, whole integrated self that’s in alignment with my values and this bigger intention of how I want to show up, how I want to care for my kids, I might be able to access that perspective taking and say, okay, you don’t want to stop what you’re doing right now. You really want to keep doing this thing. It doesn’t change the fact that we have to go, but now I’m not blaming you. I’m not needing to control you. I am understanding. I don’t know, it just feels like a much different place to enter into the, okay, we need to stop this and get in the car now kind of situation. And I’m sure we could come up with a million other examples. I just seem to have that one come up all the time. That’s what I dealt with this morning.

Stephanie (45:41):

Yes. And again, it’s the gap. We talk about what’s happening, what’s my reaction? And if we’re coming from ego, we’re coming from fear, control, lack, because underneath that, it’s really about the fear, right? Control, fear, lack. That’s the way I term it. But if I’m coming from the other place, I’m coming from abundance. So I know I’m enough. I know there’s always enough, and we will together create enough. So whether that’s having the conversation in the peaceful way or in the material world, what we’re creating, as long as I feel like I’m not enough or I need to have this, or if I have this, you can’t have it. There’s always going to be some sort of a war. And that starts within.

Dr. Sarah (46:17):

Yeah. So speaking of starting within, I was thinking it would be really nice to maybe end this episode with a meditation of some type to help us kind of like when we are in this, if we can have the momentary light bulb awareness, okay, I’m in lack, or I’m in self-preservation, or I’m in ego, whatever we want to call it. I’m in some type of threat mode. I had the wherewithal to notice it. I want to shift out of it and reconnect that authentic self state, or what did you call it?

Stephanie (46:57):

The divine.

Dr. Sarah (46:58):

The divine, soul, spiritual self. Or I just want to emit some type of calm for my child to latch onto so they can come in with calm. Could you guide us in a meditation that we could maybe take as a tool to use in those moments of like, I notice I’m up here. I want to come back into myself, ground myself, and reconnect with a different type of energy.

Stephanie (47:27):

Absolutely. Okay. So again, I will guide us through a brief one, but in the moment, a lot of times it’s as simple as feeling your feet, making a connection to the earth. And you can start to feel that now maybe closing the eyes and taking a breath in through the nose. Place a hand on your belly, fill your belly like a balloon, and on the exhale, open the mouth and make a sound. Let it out. So you really want to engage the throat and release the tension. So do that a few times. So this is a nice way to, in the moment, whether you’re sitting or standing, maybe you need to run into the bathroom and do it. Just really allowing the body to start to slown.

(48:20):

And when you breathe through the belly, you send a signal to the nervous system to relax and that it’s safe. There’s a lot of people that are very shallow chest breathers, just feeling your breath entering your body, and then start to slow down the breath. So as you inhale, take it nice and slow filling and on the exhalation release. And as you start to slow down the breath, naturally the mind is going to slow. And so is the heart rate. So we didn’t talk a lot about the heart. I usually talk about the heart a lot.

(49:08):

So just start to, as you breathe in and out can even take the other hand and place it on the heart. And the reason why we want to always connect to our heart is because it’s really where truth is. So in this moment, if your heart is longing for peace, then feel the energy of peace in your body. So whatever your heart is longing for or connection. And as you continue to inhale and exhale, feel your body experiencing peace, what is that like? Maybe the muscles relax. Maybe the jaw softens. Maybe if there’s any tension even in your hands, they’re starting to soften. So see if you can embody that feeling of peace as you breathe and savor the breath, the breath that brings in oxygen, oxygenating yourselves, restoring you. And on the escalation, just visualize yourself releasing, release, anything that’s holding you, preventing you from feeling the peace and then connection of the hand that’s at your belly to the hand that’s at your heart. So feeling maybe this line of energy from heart to belly.

(50:44):

So the heart is where you hold the intention of peace. The belly is your power center where you take action in the world. So these areas aligning. And then the head, so maybe even a tuck of the chin, bowing chin to chest, and allowing the mind to bow to the wisdom of the heart. So always asking, what does my heart need? And then allowing the mind to work in service and the belly to give you the power to take the action. So these three centers working together. So a peaceful heart means peaceful thoughts. Peaceful thoughts means peaceful action. So everything starts to feel aligned. And then acknowledge yourself for showing up. So allowing the love you have for yourself and for your loved ones to guide you and fuel you. And take three more breaths here. So a breath is an inhale, followed by an exhale. When you’re ready to open your eyes, go slow and notice how you feel. Notice the body.

Dr. Sarah (52:34):

Thank you.

Stephanie (52:35):

You’re welcome. How do you feel?

Dr. Sarah (52:39):

I feel really calm. I don’t feel sleepy, right? I often describe when I teach the, what I call the emotion thermometer or the regulation thermometer, I always start at three as my baseline. And two is I’m actually getting sort of sleepy and relaxed. I might be yawning, and one is I could fall asleep. Three is like I am awake, I am present, I am engaged. I feel energy moving in my core kind of between my head and my heart and my belly, like a little bit of a buzzing, like a faint buzzing, vibrational buzzing. And I don’t know, that’s orienting to me. It keeps me in my body.

(53:30):

It’s calm. It’s not frenetic. A lot of times I’m up way higher. I have a very frenetic, buzzy, energetic footprint. This brought me down. Thank you so much for sharing this with us. I really hope that people found this helpful. I feel like this is an episode that you might want to flag or save. You can save episodes in your podcast apps to come back to, because even just this timestamp, right? Come back to this meditation. It’s here. Or you can use it. It’s on your phone whenever you need it. Make it easy to find, because I can see this being really helpful tool to have in your toolbox.

Stephanie (54:21):

I agree.

Dr. Sarah (54:23):

Well, you have to come back on this show soon. Of course. I’ll see you soon. And yeah, I’m just oof. Let’s keep this energy going.

Stephanie (54:33):

Yeah, stay in it. Thank you.

Dr. Sarah (54:37):

Have a wonderful day.

Stephanie (54:38):

You too.

Dr. Sarah (54:44):

Thank you so much to this week’s guest, Stephanie Filardi for joining me. If you’re interested in learning more about the work Stephanie does, please check out her websites, www.stephaniefilardi.com, and www.bronxvillewellness.com. You can find both those links in the episode description wherever your streaming this podcast. And while you’re there, it would be so helpful if you could leave a five star rating and review. This podcast is absolutely free and positive feedback is what makes it all possible. Helping let Apple Podcasts, Spotify, and any other streaming platform, know that parents just like you are finding value in listening to the show. So thank you so much for taking the time to do that. It really means a lot. And until next week, don’t be a stranger.