Dr. Sarah (00:02):

Ever wonder what psychologists moms talk about when we get together, whether we’re consulting one another about a challenging case or one of our own kids, or just leaning on each other when parenting feels hard, because trust me, even when we do this for a living, it’s still hard. Joining me each week in these special Thursday shows are two of my closest friends, both moms, both psychologists, they’re the people I call when I need a sounding board. These are our unfiltered answers to your parenting questions. We’re letting you in on the conversations the three of us usually have behind closed doors. This is Securely Attached: Beyond the Sessions.

(00:41):

Hello. Welcome back to the Beyond the Session segment of the Securely Attached podcast. We will be answering a listener question today with Dr. Emily Upshur. Hi, how are you?

Dr. Emily (00:54):

Good. Good to be here.

Dr. Sarah (00:56):

So this mom writes in, she says, hello. I hope you are well. I recently read your article on transitioning to new daycares. I’m going to, I’ll link the link to that article in the show description so you guys can reference that. But she continues. I’m hoping to find some advice on what may potentially help my soon to be 2-year-old will be transitioning to a new toddler room in February at his current daycare. We have a space at a new daycare, which is much closer to us and have been hoping for a space there for a year. Now, is it better to transition my son ASAP to the new daycare so that he can start in the new toddler room or should I let him stay at the current daycare and experience the toddler room there first, then move him to the new daycare? I only ask as there is quite a different routine from baby’s room to toddler room, toddler room, they sleep in open beds and not cots, et cetera. If he has secure attachments with his current providers and even the ones in the toddler room, I thought it could be good for him to experience the new toddler routine with people he trusts first. Then when he moves to the new daycare where he will have a toddler routine with new people. But at least there’s some familiarity rather than changing daycares and room routines all at the same time. It’s a very thoughtful question. I mean so thoughtful. I really appreciate how much this mom is thinking this through from the vantage point of her child.

Dr. Emily (02:18):

Yeah, I love that too. And I, on a personal note had, I just remember with my first son, I had this exact same question, so I have a very, I’ve obviously talked to many, many families about it since then, but I remember it feeling like a really big deal and a really big decision at the time. So I really value that she’s thinking through it. I will tell you, it’ll be fine either way. I mean, it’s a really easy thing to say from my vantage point of now having a 14-year-old, but I think you really can’t go wrong. I think we’ll obviously talk about the two different options, but I think your child will be able to tolerate the transition either way.

Dr. Sarah (03:06):

And they might also have difficulty with the transition either way and will be okay because I think on the one hand you can look at this question from the lens of how do I set my child up for the best chance of success? But the other question, or the other way you could read it is how do I prevent my child having any difficulty with the transition, which is not what this mom is asking. But at the same time, I do think that fear drives a lot of our parenting conundrums is like, which of these situations is going to be the easiest for my kid or prevent them having issues with the transition? And the reality is sometimes whether it’s moving from one daycare to another or moving from a baby room to a toddler room, you’re going to see adjustment stuff. And that’s not a sign that something’s wrong. It’s not a sign that you didn’t set your child up for success.

Dr. Emily (04:04):

And made the wrong choice. Yeah, no, I think that’s a really good point. I think probably no matter what, there might be a little bit of bumps in any transition and so not sort of reverse engineering and hindsight trying to change your choices. I think really building your tolerance that it might be tough and they can handle it is also a really important piece of this.

Dr. Sarah (04:34):

So let’s talk a little bit about the pros and cons to her scenarios because she’s saying on the one hand there is, we can move into this other daycare soon. And I think this is a very important line in the question. This new daycare is much closer to us and we’ve been hoping for a space there for a year now.

Dr. Emily (05:00):

Yeah.

Dr. Sarah (05:01):

So there’s also this piece of what’s best for the whole family and also then what’s sort of on the micro level, where are the small tweaks that can support the ease through which this child can move through this transition. And I recognize her attending to his attachment relationships in his current school as a potential buffer, which is, I don’t disagree with that insight at all.

Dr. Emily (05:29):

Totally. I mean, I think it’s really funny. So when my son was going through this and I was switching to the new daycare, same thing. I had been on the A wait list for over a year for the new place. I was so excited to get in and then I was like, because you feel like you have to make these decisions. They feel so big and it feels like you have to respond really quickly. But I’ll never forget, and I think this was really helpful as having a young child and being sort of a newish mom, the new daycare director who was phenomenal said to me, and I posed a very similar question to her, and she said to me, it’s totally up to you. Would you like to have the bandaid ripped once or twice? And so it was really helpful to me to think about on the one hand, doing one transition as opposed to doing two.

(06:22):

So for example, going just straight to the new daycare in the new toddler room rather than transitioning to the toddler room, then transitioning to a new daycare felt it really resonated with me. Like, oh, this could be one transition for my kid, and maybe that’s really helpful for him, right? Then we’re not like, oh, you’re doing great now and we’ve transitioned you and guess what, we’re changing again. That was a really valuable insight for me, and I think that that really spoke to knowing your child and having a little bit of, we’re having a sense, obviously they’re young, but I had a sense that probably one transition was going to be more palatable for all of us, for me, for him, and that I could have the bandwidth to support him better through one rather than delaying it and doing that twice. So that’s that side of the argument.

Dr. Sarah (07:23):

Yeah, it’s funny, I actually, I didn’t think about that piece. I wasn’t like, oh, right, because in my mind, the first option where we keep the child in the same daycare with the same attachment figures and we move him to the toddler room and then we transition him to the new daycare, in my mind, that’s a lower incline of a slope. It’s not as steep of a climb because the change from an infant room to the new daycare, which is both new routine, new level of classroom and new space, that’s a steeper incline to me. So the less steep slope over a longer period of time, but that requires two transitions, which I didn’t think about. So that actually changes my calculations a little bit.

Dr. Emily (08:22):

I get what you mean. I think you’re saying, can we kind of moderate the demand on the child a little, right? Can we sort of help the child have a little less demand all at once and keep it more at a 50% rather than a zero to a hundred percent big switch? And I think, listen, again, no bad way, you might feel like, you know what? My child really struggles with sleep. So transitioning them to the new toddler room in their current place where they know him and they know his individualities around these things, that might be a big factor for you. And so that’s really where knowing your kid or having a sense of some of those things might come into play. You might also know that your child had a really hard time transitioning to daycare and clung on you as you left them and doing two transitions that might be harder. Having him attached to new figures, even in this new routine might be harder. So I think, I know we always do this on this podcast and I’m sure it’s very frustrating, but I do think that there’s a way to sort of like how can we look at this individual situation and make a decision that’s best for that individual child based on what they’re going through right now and their strengths and what they struggle with a little bit more and then making a decision from there.

Dr. Sarah (09:48):

Yeah, I think that’s a really good point, and also frustrating. We’re going to say it depends, but also because we are getting granular here, which is not a bad thing, but it’s important I think to acknowledge we’re getting granular on an issue that when we zoom out and look at the big picture of our child’s larger developmental process, this is granular. It’s not going to make or break anything no matter what. But if we do have the bandwidth and the intentionality to zoom in and the luxury to zoom in, because let’s be honest, not sometimes these aren’t choices. And so if these aren’t a choice, your kid’s going to be fine. But if you have the luxury to zoom in and get really granular, I will say you then really need to tune into what your kids’ temperament and where they strengths and weaknesses are too, in terms of managing and tolerating transition. Your point looking at what will change from the baby room to the toddler room in terms of routine, and are there areas that’s going to get shifted for your kid where he really has trouble? So like you were saying, if sleep is really, really tricky at daycare and they’ve finally nailed it in the crib, but now he has to do it in a cot and you know that when your child’s sleep is disrupted, he’s also particularly sensitive to that, then I might take it slower and prioritize the sleep piece over the attachment relationship new setting piece.

(11:29):

If the changes from baby to toddler aren’t really likely to shake that kid’s world, then I’d prioritize kind of doing less transitions and having it just be one bandaid to rip off. I guess that’s how I would think about it, knowing that either way you could see some struggle in adapting and your kid will adapt.

Dr. Emily (11:55):

And not for nothing. I think a point you made earlier is extremely important. I think if it’s better for your family and better, maybe your commute is 50% and so that means you get to pick up your kid a little earlier or it’s just easier on your life. I think delaying that, there’s no real benefit of delaying that. Right? No, I think that that’s a really important piece of putting the whole system on the table as well as your individual child because that shift is really important too in terms of that might make the ease of that transition more palatable for your whole family if you have a little bit more bandwidth because it’s closer, it’s more convenient, your commute is better, whatever the variables are for the reasons that you chose that other daycare.

Dr. Sarah (12:47):

And I think parents who, a parent who’s looking at this closely obviously is very intentional in their parenting and is very invested and dedicated. And anecdotally, I happen to find on average that parents who are this intentional tend to put their kids a little bit higher on priority list than they do themselves. So if that is something that you’re vulnerable to, the question really may be, which is better for you? And are you asking yourself that question enough?

(13:20):

Because when the parent have more bandwidth, when you are making sure that your needs met or that the whole family’s systems needs are met, obviously in addition to the child’s needs, but not in exclusion to that child will do better. That is for sure when the family system, when the mother, when the father, when the parent primary caregiver is well, is functioning well, is getting their needs met, has bandwidth that is far more impactful and predictive of the health and wellbeing of the child than the transition from toddler to daycare or reducing transition time or any of that stuff. So good questions to be asking for sure. But also don’t forget the importance of checking in on what’s working best for the larger family system.

Dr. Emily (14:16):

Yeah, I totally agree. I think that’s super valuable. And you’re right. I think that sometimes as we get really focused on and attuned to our kids, that piece is, we’re like, we can handle it. I can handle the longer commute. That’s okay. I do think there is value that we aren’t putting enough weight on of relieving whatever that is for you a little as a parent.

Dr. Sarah (14:43):

Yeah. So thank you so much for writing in this question. You are doing an amazing job. I’m very confident that no matter what you choose, it’s going to be the right choice for your family. And I know that anyone listening to this question that has had the same question, they might come up with a totally different strategy and it will be the right choice for them because I think that’s my biggest takeaway here is like, these are good questions to ask. And when you look at the family system, you look at the child, you look at their temperament, you look at where they’re going to do the best and where you might do the best, that’s probably going to help you guide yourself in answering these kinds of questions. So thank you so much and if you have a parenting question that you would like us to answer, please, please send them in. We love getting your questions. You can go to drsarahbren.com/question to submit a question on the website, and you can also DM me on Instagram at Dr. Sarah Bren. We are so grateful for all of your engagement, and if you find that these questions are helpful and our answers are helpful, please take a moment to leave a rating and review wherever you listen to your podcast. It makes a huge difference. It helping us get this show out to more parents and take care. We can’t wait until next time.

Dr. Emily (16:09):

Bye.

Dr. Sarah (16:11):

Bye.

(16:11):Thank you so much for listening. As you can hear, parenting is not one size fits all. It’s nuanced and it’s complicated. So I really hope that this series where we’re answering your questions really helps you to cut through some of the noise and find out what works best for you and your unique child. If you have a burning parenting question, something you’re struggling to navigate or a topic you really want us to shed light on or share research about, we want to know, go to drsarahbren.com/question to send in anything that you want, Rebecca, Emily, and me to answer in Securely Attached: Beyond the Sessions. That’s drsarahbren.com/question. And check back for a brand new securely attached next Tuesday. And until then, don’t be a stranger.