321. Q&A: What is the best response to my kid who is constantly saying, “I’m bored”?

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Beyond the Sessions is answering YOUR parenting questions! In this episode, Dr. Rebecca Hershberg and I talk about…

  • When your child says “I’m bored” does that actually mean they are? How to decode their language to get to the root of their struggles.
  • What is a developmentally appropriate amount of time parents can expect of their children to play independently?
  • What is a “bored list” and a “bored box” and how can you create these tools to help with the summer slump.
  • How self-regulation and executive functioning play a part in your child’s feelings of boredom and how understanding this can help you scaffold more effectively.
  • How to use a few minutes of connection time as a bridge into helping your child become engrossed in an activity on their own.
  • A trick for determining if your child may just need help getting started with an activity, especially when going into a new environment or situation, like a park, pool, or playground.
  • In our highly stimulating world, kids can express feeling bored when things are a bit slower. How to off-set this to find more balance.

LEARN MORE ABOUT US:

ADDITIONAL PODCAST EPISODES YOU MAY LIKE:

🎧 Listen to my podcast episode about how screens affect regulation with Ale Duarte

🎧 Listen to my podcast episode about how you can encourage independent play

🎧 Listen to my podcast episode about how to help your child maintain their friendships over the summer

Click here to read the full transcript

Close-up of a young girl looking unhappy and bored.

Dr. Sarah (00:02):

Ever wonder what psychologists moms talk about when we get together, whether we’re consulting one another about a challenging case or one of our own kids, or just leaning on each other when parenting feels hard, because trust me, even when we do this for a living, it’s still hard. Joining me each week in these special Thursday shows are two of my closest friends, both moms, both psychologists, they’re the people I call when I need a sounding board. These are our unfiltered answers to your parenting questions. We’re letting you in on the conversations the three of us usually have behind closed doors. This is Securely Attached: Beyond the Sessions.

(00:41):

Hi everyone. Welcome back to Beyond the Sessions segment of the Securely Attached podcast, Dr. Rebecca Hershberg. Thanks for being here to answer our listener questions.

Dr. Rebecca (00:53):

So happy to be here as always.

Dr. Sarah (00:57):

Okay, you ready for the question for today?

Dr. Rebecca (01:00):

I am.

Dr. Sarah (01:02):

So this parent writes in, I have a question about something that’s been coming up a lot in our house this summer. Boredom. My five-year-old keeps saying I’m bored constantly and I’m finding it really hard to know how to respond. Part of me wants to jump in and offer ideas or set up an activity, but I’ve also read that boredom can actually be good for kids. I guess I’m confused about how much I should be stepping in versus letting them figure it out. Is it normal for young kids to be this bored during the summer? How do I know when it’s okay to leave space for boredom and when it’s a sign they need more support, connection or structure? And how can I respond in the moment without sounding dismissive or frustrated even when I totally am? Thanks again. I’d love to hear your take on this.

Dr. Rebecca (01:45):

The summer are boredom.

Dr. Sarah (01:46):

I know. This parent has so much. They’ve really organized their thoughts on this though I feel like this is a level three question because they already know clearly that, Hey, there’s a conundrum here. Boredom’s good, but also there’s so many things that I want to help them with. They get that on a baseline, that there’s a tension there between wanting to jump in and letting they know that we need to do a little distress tolerance and frustration building. But I am like, how bored is your child?

Dr. Rebecca (02:26):

Well, but I was also going to jump in before and say I hesitate necessarily to call this boredom just because that’s what the kid is calling it, right? I think they learn to say I’m bored, and they learn that it maybe provokes a certain response from a parent, whether it’s a parent jumping in or a parent, even a parent getting agitated. It’s a boredom can mean so many different things. And so the first place I start often with a kid this age is sort of like, what do you mean? What does boredom mean? Does it mean you don’t know what to do with yourself? Does it mean you’re not in the mood to do any of the, what is it to be bored? Because being bored is a feeling.

(03:10):

And so a lot of times I think it can be helpful to respond that way. Oh, you’re feeling bored. Thank you for letting me know. What are we going to do with that feeling? And it’s a nice InBetween road. I don’t think, frankly, there’s a right answer. Do I not get involved or do I get involved? I think this is clearly a straight student parent, I would say in some ways. She clearly knows the answer. It’s somewhere in between. I’ve definitely responded to my own kids with like, oh, I’m mommy, so nice to see you. And then they get irritated. But I think just jumping in and saying, what does that mean? And sort of helping a kid problem solve for themselves can be useful. I think having a box of a board box or a list of things to do when you’re bored that you create at a different time or maybe the first time they say they’re bored, and so you have this something on the wall that’s like, when I am bored I can, and then it’s also, it’s very possible you’d say, well, why don’t you look in your box? Or Why don’t you go to your list? No, I don’t want to. I’m bored of that stuff. And then you sort of know it’s like, okay, well let’s see what happens.

(04:30):

And it’s because if you give a ton of attention and engagement in response to that comment, first of all, you notice as a parent that you’re doing all the work and that can be exhausting. And second of all, you’re reinforcing that they come to you when they’re bored and that you help them through it, which is not in and of itself some horrible thing, but it’s just to say that you’re taking away their boredom and even inadvertently, because you’re kind of entertaining them by engaging, which by all means do once or twice. And then I think it’s okay to say, okay, you’re bored. Good to know, good to know. Let’s see what to do with that feeling.

Dr. Sarah (05:13):

And then sort of disengage. Right.

Dr. Rebecca (05:15):

Exactly.

Dr. Sarah (05:16):

I also think you said something before that makes so much sense to me, which is that what is the kid actually saying? We do use boredom as a shorthand. It doesn’t always mean the same thing every time the kid says it. And actually I think a lot of the times, not all the time, sometimes it really is truly, I have this energy and I don’t know where to put it, and I’m just feeling ugh right now that that sort of kinetic energy that’s stuck in me and I need an outlet, but I haven’t figured out how to make a plan for that. That’s an executive functioning skill and a self-regulation skill. And so some of it is we need to scaffold that ability to say, Ooh, this is an annoying feeling. You don’t like it. And when you have this feeling, here are some of the things you can do about it. Not, here are some things you can do that are entertaining, but here’s how you solve that problem of I got a lot of I want to move and I don’t know where to put it and I need to create a plan. So helping them create a plan is actually a strategy for helping reduce this dilemma in the future. But also sometimes I find that when kids, at least my kids are saying they’re bored, they’re sometimes talking about a totally different unmet need. I’m hungry or I’m tired or I don’t know. I’m feeling understimulated.

Dr. Rebecca (06:46):

Sometimes my son mistakes it. My son will say, my son. My son will be like, I’m hungry. I mean I’m tired. I mean I’m bored. And I’m like, okay, you just gave yourself away.

Dr. Sarah (06:58):

Yeah, yeah. But that’s the other thing. It can also be I want connection. I’m coming to you. I’m saying I’m bored. Maybe I’ve unconsciously or consciously learned that when I do that you engage with me and so I’m actually seeking connection and that’s really what I’m asking for, but I don’t know how to articulate that or maybe I just, I’m not aware that that’s what I want. And so sometimes it’s just yes, sometimes we don’t want to solve all our kids’ problems and help them cross the finish line, but maybe the quote problem, the need that they’re expressing is that they want your attention and they want some time with you. And we can’t always give it to them the minute that they ask for it either. I’m not definitely not saying drop everything and always play, but maybe a few minutes of connection, fun, playfulness with them in that moment is enough to satisfy that itch and then we can try to help launch them off into something else. And it’s not, it wasn’t about boredom actually.

Dr. Rebecca (08:12):

Yeah. I also think it’s important to mention here developmental expectations because I’ve certainly had families that become frustrated with a young kid because they want to do sit and read the paper or they want to drink a cup of coffee and the kid can’t seem to entertain themselves. And so a five-year-old, I would say, and it really depends, but somewhere between, I don’t know, I was going to say 15 minutes to a half an hour max is what they’ll be able to do without coming back to you. And maybe they’ll come back to you every 15 minutes and say, I’m bored. But what they mean is, yeah, this is getting a lot for me to just be in charge of my own play or my own activity. Can you help me? So I think there has to be space for, I would love, especially in these hot summer months, wouldn’t it be great for my kid to go off and do their own thing for a couple hours?

(09:21):

Then I could chill out, but that’s just not realistic. I’ve had parents be really frustrated that their three-year-old couldn’t go five minutes, but a lot of three-year-olds can’t go five minutes. And then it’s about, as this parent asks, maybe creating some structures. Is there some sort of a day camp or whatever? I don’t know what the thing is because if you are going to be resentful that your child, whether it’s coming to you and being bored or starting to whine or wanting to play with you or whatever it is, if you’re going to be resentful of that, but actually they are meeting developmental expectations and doing that as much as they’re able to, then that’s going to be a recipe for real relationship friction that’s not going to lead anybody to feel good after the day. So a sign is not only when this parent says What’s a sign? They may need more. It’s how your kid’s doing, but it’s also how are you doing with your kids? Your kid might be doing perfectly the way they’re supposed to at this age, but it’s a lot for you. And so it’s okay to put in more systems and structures.

Dr. Sarah (10:29):

If you’re a working from home parent or it’s like you cannot entertain them or engage with them whenever they need, or if you’re, it’s a Saturday and you’ve been working all week and you need some time to get stuff done around the house and you actually cannot be engaging with them at the level they might need you to. Then I think, yeah, it’s like can we get a neighborhood mother’s helper kind of person to come over for a couple hours and help them just direct that attention and energy into something that they need that support, but you can’t be the person to do it. It’s okay to get help with that.

Dr. Rebecca (11:12):

Yeah. I also think another thing that comes up a lot in this context, I feel like I’m like an FAQ of this question, but is parents that will go with kids to some place that they think a kid will really have an easy time finding something to do a barbecue or the town pool. And this has definitely happened to me, and within 15 seconds your kid comes and you’re like, few, we’re finally out. We’re finally with other kids. And your kid comes over and is like, I’m bored. And it’s so easy in those moments it’s like bored, are you kidding? And again, just to be aware, filter it through Google Translate. They don’t know how to do this right now. Maybe they’re overwhelmed, maybe they’re overstimulated. Maybe they don’t know how to go join a group of kids that’s playing. Maybe they don’t know whether to do the pool slide first or whatever it is. They need help. To your point about executive functioning skills earlier, they just need help navigating and getting started and initiating and having a plan. And so that’s another example where kids will often say they’re bored, evoke a really big reaction in a parent, and it’s up to the parent to kind of recognize that’s not exactly what’s happening here.

Dr. Sarah (12:23):

Right? I’m bored and this case can often mean I don’t know how to start with all of these options. That situation where you’re like, there are literally 500 things you could be doing right now. We forget that. We see that our brains are so good at scanning and organizing all the options and we know exactly how we would plan to initiate any of those tasks. And those are all really big things for a kid, especially if when there are 15 options, how do you sort through and decide which one I want to try and which one feels easy, which one feels hard, what feels in the middle? All that stuff is stuff we take for granted because we’re just so used to doing it in the background.

Dr. Rebecca (13:08):

And that often interfaces again, it’s like your child struggle in that moment, interfaces with the exact moment that you are so ready for a break and have prepared yourself for a break. Oh, then we’re going to be at the pool and not a three-year-old per se, but a slightly older kid, they can just go do their own thing or at this barbecue like, oh, and it’s like that’s right. At the moment they come and they’re like, I’m bored. Clearly I’ve had experience with this.

Dr. Sarah (13:37):

Oh my God. Me too. One other thing I was thinking about that I think is important to just throw in here is like, this is not, the parent said nothing about this and it’s totally normal and fine to be watching lots of TV or playing video games or being on tablets and all that thing, but I feel like we would be remiss to not make mention of this reality that we live in a world that is highly stimulating, super, super speed stimulating in a lot of ways. And so I think it’s also important to kind of zoom out and take a little bit of an inventory too of what your child is tending to spend a lot of time doing. The sort of analogy I’ll often give is if you eat a lot of strawberries and you have a strawberry starburst for the first time, you’re like, holy macarole me.

(14:36):

That’s so sweet. But if you’re always eating strawberry starbursts and you have a strawberry, you’re going to be like, what is this piece of cardboard I’m eating? If our kids are used to super high intensity and highly stimulating entertainment from screens and games and then they’re out at a barbecue and there’s lots of really fun, genuinely cool things to do that could feel muted to their system and feel genuinely boring because it isn’t igniting that type of lit upness in their reward systems in their brain. And so I think there’s ways to titrate off of that. There’s ways to check the balance of that help educate our kids. Even a five-year-old could definitely start to understand this idea of super flavors and super entertaining things like supercharged entertainment that can make us feel so entertained and so excited. What’s the strawberry starburst of their entertainment and what’s the strawberry of their entertainment?

(15:48):

And helping them understand the difference and say like, Hey, if we only ever do this supercharged fun stuff, then when we go to the pool or the barbecue or when we’re having a chill Saturday afternoon without screens, it makes sense that you’re going to sort of feel under stimulated by that or bored or just so is that something we want to work on to appreciate the slower things too? And maybe on your end as the parent start to audit some of intensity of some of the things that they’re exposed to at five, you still have a decent amount of control over that. I think it gets harder when kids get older, but I feel like that’s an important piece to just add.

Dr. Rebecca (16:38):

I think you’re right. I also think that’s not where I thought you were going. I thought you were going to say we’d be remiss not to mention that the parent in this question might well say, oh my gosh, for the love of all things sacred, here’s your iPad. Of course. And I mean it very much piggybacks onto what you were just saying that that can be an option sometimes. And just to be aware of what can also be a negative cycle once you start that for the reason that you just mentioned, and again, just to highlight because this is an area that parents are so prone to guilt. This is not about a one-off. This is not about even a two off. This is not even about a whole day where you’re like, I have a migraine and so my kid’s bored and so I’m going to let them be on the iPad for four hours. It’s about just sort of a trend over time of being aware of the relationship potentially between the type of screen time in which your child’s engaging and their propensity to be bored when that’s not available to them.

Dr. Sarah (17:40):

Yeah, I think that’s so fair. I mean, I certainly can’t wait for the time when I’m going to be like, okay, watch some TV so I can do my thing. But if they come to us with the, I’m bored and our go-to is go watch something or here do this on the screen, yes, they’re nagging and nagging and nag, they’re bored. I’m bored, could also really mean I want to just play on my switch. That’s actually the Google translate for that moment. That’s the Google translate for that moment. And I think that’s also worth saying like, Ugh, I think what you really want is something that feels really, really, really fun and all the options right now are only medium fun. And that’s tough. And I know you’ll find something in the medium fun range to do. Naming that I think is also helpful and decoding in real time. What you think your child might actually be saying is another sort of just strategy script kind of thing. Like the I’m board, does that mean this possibly or whatever?

Dr. Rebecca (18:48):

Absolutely. And you can do the multiple choice. Some kids when they say I’m bored mean this. Sometimes they mean this is it. Any of those things.

Dr. Sarah (18:56):

Yeah.

Dr. Rebecca (18:57):

Summer, summer time of the boredom, whether it’s real or Google translate for 25 other things.

Dr. Sarah (19:03):

I know. Oh, speaking of that made me think of one last thing, one bonus thought for you before we go sometimes, because the board can be, I want stimulation and I’m, I actually am looking for sensory input right now, especially with little kids. Go for sensory if you’re going to scaffold some sort of direction for them and then try to release them into their own play. Go for tactile and sensory rich things, right? Things that are, it’s summertime, so can there be water play? Can there be shaving cream? Can there be clay or kinetic sand? Sometimes tactile and sensory rich stuff can be really satisfying when we are bored because we’re really seeking sensory input. One final thought. Definitely. That was

Dr. Rebecca (19:54):

It. Definitely hear here.

Dr. Sarah (19:56):

All good luck to you all. God speed.

Dr. Rebecca (20:01):

Exactly.

Dr. Sarah (20:02):

The summer of boredom begins and we are going to have to tolerate it and help our kids tolerate it. And you guys, we got this.

Dr. Rebecca (20:09):

We got this.

Dr. Sarah (20:12):

Thank you so much for listening. As you can hear, parenting is not one size fits all. It’s nuanced and it’s complicated. So I really hope that this series where we’re answering your questions really helps you to cut through some of the noise and find out what works best for you and your unique child. If you have a burning parenting question, something you’re struggling to navigate or a topic you really want us to shed light on or share research about, we want to know, go to drsarahbren.com/question to send in anything that you want, Rebecca, Emily, and me to answer in Securely Attached: Beyond the Sessions. That’s drsarahbren.com/question. And check back for a brand new securely attached next Tuesday. And until then, don’t be a stranger.

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I’m a licensed clinical psychologist and mom of two.

I love helping parents understand the building blocks of child development and how secure relationships form and thrive. Because when parents find their inner confidence, they can respond to any parenting problem that comes along and raise kids who are healthy, resilient, and kind.

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