373. Q&A: Is it normal for my toddler to want to wear the same outfit every day?

Dr. Sarah (00:02):

Ever wonder what psychologists moms talk about when we get together, whether we’re consulting one another about a challenging case or one of our own kids, or just leaning on each other when parenting feels hard, because trust me, even when we do this for a living, it’s still hard. Joining me each week in these special Thursday shows are two of my closest friends, both moms, both psychologists, they’re the people I call when I need a sounding board. These are our unfiltered answers to your parenting questions. We’re letting you in on the conversations the three of us usually have behind closed doors. This is Securely Attached: Beyond the Sessions.

Dr. Rebecca (00:43):

Hi everyone. We’re switching it up if you haven’t recognized my voice as something different than you usually hear. This is Dr. Rebecca Herscberg and I’m thrilled to be here today on securely attached with Dr. Sarah Bren. Hi Sarah.

Dr. Sarah (00:59):

Hi.

Dr. Rebecca (00:59):

Answering listener questions, and I’m going to read the question today. So this is a question from a listener. She says, my three-year-old is going through this phase where she gets really into one item of clothing and that’s all she wants to wear on the surface. I’m like, okay, that’s cool. We’re going to roll with this. But then on the inside I’m like, is this a sign of some sort of problem? Is something wrong because she only wants to wear this one dress and gets hysterical when I have to wash it because she got it. So dirty listener. That is such a good question. I have heard versions of this question so many times. I’m so glad. I’m surprised we haven’t actually talked about it on the podcast yet.

Dr. Sarah (01:44):

Me too, actually.

Dr. Rebecca (01:48):

So Sarah, I’m going to kick this off the way you usually do, which is to say, so Sarah, what are your first thoughts when you hear me read this question?

Dr. Sarah (01:58):

I love that we’re flipping this.

Dr. Rebecca (02:01):

It’s crazy. We’re really out of the box. I don’t today, guys. It’s unbelievable what’s happening right now here at Beyond the Sessions.

Dr. Sarah (02:07):

Wacky Thursday. No, but I am, I’m glad that we actually, when I read this question I was like, how have we not done this? I feel like this, I’m literally like, I have some people in my box right now who we’re working on this right in this very moment. So one, I want to say she’s talking about a three-year-old, super developmentally typical, appropriate common, all the things I see this past three years old. I think you see this kind of pop up. It kind of comes cyclically. I tend to see this rigidity. We can talk about this in terms of rigidity versus flexibility perhaps as kind of a developmental stage. And I think it comes back and I think whatever their thing is, kids usually have something that they tend to get rigid about when their system load is high, whether they’re navigating a transition to starting kindergarten or starting a new school or a move or a new sibling or whatever could just be an internal leap too, like a neurocognitive leap from development.

(03:21):

But when their system load gets high, they can get rigid. And for many three-year-olds, they don’t have a lot of things they can really control to be rigid about. And so these sort of day-to-day tasks of getting dressed or what I eat or bathtime shower time, those tend to be where we see some of the rigidity kind of get unleashed, I guess. So this to me reads like you could sub out the clothing with any other situation where you have a kid who’s being particularly rigid about something in their life. Chances are if you zoom out, there’s some system load.

Dr. Rebecca (04:06):

Yeah, the only thing I would say is that before I get to system load, I like to rule out for sensory stuff because sometimes or rigidity around it has to be this color or I’m so obsessed with Elsa that it has to be my Elsa dress. Those things can still fall into what you’re saying, but particularly with the sensory stuff, if it’s how the fabric feels on a kid’s skin or whatever, I just like to look into that stuff also. But I agree, nine times out of 10, which just to be clear is a completely non empirical number that I just came up with anecdotally. Mostly it’s exactly that there’s something that a child feels overwhelmed by that something feels out of control, and this is a way to really exert control to exert predictability, sameness. And so the first thing to do I think is exactly what this listener said, which is roll with it. This is just how we’re doing it right now. Sometimes families that I’ve worked with have gotten additional of that same thing. If it’s an inexpensive item from Target, let’s say. And I think in keeping with our usual theme on this podcast, you don’t want to do that to an extreme. You don’t want to be so afraid of your child’s feelings that you are buying target out of Elsa dresses so that your child never has to experience the disappointment or build the flexibility muscle.

(05:41):

But I think, yeah, I tend to approach this the way I would approach a child being rigid about most anything, which is to roll with it to the extent that it’s not interfering. And then to start practicing being more flexible, having that framework for it, previewing it, thinking about, okay, if I know when I’m going to need to put this thing in the laundry, can I give my child a heads up? Can we talk about what she might wear instead? Can we talk about what feels hard about that and practice what we can do or the thoughts we can have? That sort of thing.

Dr. Sarah (06:22):

Yeah, I think that’s really smart. You brought up sensory, which think is super important, and it made me think about, can we talk a little bit maybe parents who aren’t so familiar with the distinction between maybe a sensory processing, not sensitivity or a sensory processing disorder. It’s a spectrum, what that is and how we distinguish it from just sensory preferences that all kids are going to have because…

Dr. Rebecca (06:56):

We did an episode about that we, I mean, not to just punt the question. I mean, I feel like it’s a very long conversation and I feel like it wouldn’t be just based on a question like this. If a parent came to me with this question, I would ask if there are examples where a child is very rigid around let’s say textures or colors or sounds, I would ask about what happens when they do have a meltdown that it’s in the laundry. How long does that last? What behaviors go along with that? There would be kind of a fuller assessment, and then if I really did feel like it was a sensory processing issue, I would acknowledge that then that next step would find me out of my depth and I would refer to a skilled ot. I think typically when I ask those questions of parents or caregivers in a scenario like the one described by the listener, the questions lead away from this being a sensory. If not, I mean there may be a sensory component. It happens to be really soft because we’ve watched it a million times. And so the same way I might my gazillion times wash t-shirt to sleep in at night or something. But that doesn’t mean, as you said, that it’s rising to a level of a disorder or processing challenge per se.

Dr. Sarah (08:16):

Yeah, because thinking of my son when he was probably around three, he’s always been, his rigidity was like he really would not take off his pajamas in the morning. He hated and was really rigid about not wanting, he wanted to wear his pajamas all the time. And ultimately I did kind of figure out with him that, I mean, it was a sensory preference, but there weren’t other things outside of this particular dance we would do that led me to be thinking along terms of more of a sensory issue, but it was a sensory preference. He didn’t like the feeling of cold clothes on his skin.

(09:01):

So he would hate to take his pajamas off and put on clothes for school because, or daycare or wherever we were when he was three because the clothing was always cold. And I was like, oh, that makes sense. I get that. And I even contemplated for a little moment of being like, I could just throw them in the dryer and then they’ll be warm and then it won’t be so hard. And then I was like, but I don’t want to have to do that every morning. So I didn’t offer that as an option. And again, I think if it was a chronic refusal and I was constantly having to put his clothes in the dryer for him to tolerate getting dressed, that would fall into the category of an over accommodation. That might become a problem in of itself. But I also think if you’re having a tough morning and you want to just get your kid to do what you want them to do and that that’s the barrier, I think it’s totally fine to be like, you know what, today I’m put ’em in the dryer. Let’s get ’em warm. Then it makes sense that you don’t want to get your legs in these cold pants, whatever. So I say all that to sort of paint a picture of, sometimes it’s a little bit about creative, getting creative in trying to get inside your kid’s mind and figure out what it is that they are resisting. Sometimes it’s not what you think it is.

Dr. Rebecca (10:19):

What they’re resisting or what’s driving it. So again, it’s like, well, I only wear this pink skirt because it’s my princess skirt. Okay, well maybe we can find a princess tiara and wear it with sweatpants in a t-shirt. Again, is it a resistance that the skirt is cold compared to the pajamas or is it a motivation to be a character or again, where just being curious about a kid’s rigidity around a piece of clothing is important because it will help you problem solve. In addition to just building the flexibility and kind of coping muscle problem solving on those really tough days when it is in the laundry and there’s just no way around it. It has a giant chocolate milk stain, having that information can be very useful.

Dr. Sarah (11:12):

Agree. And also, it’s not lost on me that, okay, when does a rigidity around clothing tend to hit in the daily schedule? It’s usually in the morning when the parents probably have some type of urgent need to get out of the house, which may be part of the dynamic of the rigidity perhaps. Or it may just be that makes it extra hard for us as parents to get curious because we also have this sort of completely unrelated but very real sense of urgency because we do need to get them dressed and out the door. And so there can be a secondary layer I feel like that can go into this, that can turn it into, at first for me was I really want to wear this hoodie because it feels really good, or it’s my special hoodie and I don’t like anything else but this hoodie. And then it starts to be, okay, me and my mom get into an argument every morning about what we’re going to wear. And again, I am narrating these thoughts. They’re conscious. I don’t think they’re conscious for the kid, but they’s some part of that kid that’s like, now I’m definitely not giving up this hoodie. Now I have some sort of leverage here that makes me feel powerful when I’m feeling disempowered by my parent who’s making demands on me.

Dr. Rebecca (12:45):

Which is why I think the rolling with it approach at first is the way to go, because you don’t need to give so much power. And I believe, and I know some parents differ as some parents that I greatly respect, but I’m pretty much a fan pretty early on that your kids get to decide what they want to wear barring being naked in 30 degree weather. So I think generally power struggles around clothes are just not the most helpful or productive, but certainly even if you are, someone wants to exert more control over your kids’ clothing going, excuse me, going at it head to head and making it clear how invested you are is a surefire way to have it backfire, which is kind of what you’re saying. It’s like once your child realizes like, oh wait, mom’s clearly really invested in my doing the opposite thing. Guess I’m going to dig in deeper because I feel powerful. Then I get to school later and get to spend more time with mom, then mom spends less time with my baby brother. Whatever it is, there’s some secondary gain here that I agree with you is A, not conscious, and B, likely not the initial motivation for the behavior.

Dr. Sarah (14:06):

So all signs lead to roll with it, and then I’m going to be the voice of the parent listening who’s like, oh, I’m trying really hard to roll with it. But at the same time, they won’t put on any clothes and we have to get to school and they can’t go in their underwear. And the thing is in the wash, there’s nothing that can be done about it. What do I do? It’s going to be a nightmare today.

Dr. Rebecca (14:39):

Well, Sarah,

Dr. Sarah (14:42):

I’m like, I like, oh, it is. Kids have a way.

Dr. Rebecca (14:47):

Of course. And I was actually before you were that voice, and I have some thoughts about that voice. I was actually going to be the voice of someone who’s been through an issue with her kid and clothes that, and I don’t want to say too much as we’ve talked about, it’s always kind of their story to tell, but that actually opened our eyes to the fact that there was a bigger issue going on. So if you are the parent listening that’s like, I’ve tried this, I’ve tried this, I’ve tried this, I really don’t think you guys are getting to what my kid is going through. You may want to get a consultation, as we say, with many questions that come in. And I say that perhaps it sounds out of the blue, but again, an issue with getting dressed is what opened our eyes to one of my kids needing some extra support around certain things that were coming up back to the voice that you were impersonating, which I think is a more common one.

(15:41):

I think the first thing that occurs to me as always, and it’s always sort of a cop out answer, but is the timing piece, can you predict in some way when you are going to have to put this item of clothing in the laundry and plan for it? We can get to what do you do once your kid is shrieking and crying, but ideally you’re not at seven 30 in the morning taking out that piece of clothing, seeing it stained and deciding that that’s the best time to break the news to your kid. Ideally, you make a plan with your kid. I know this is your favorite thing to wear. You want to wear it every day. Let’s say that for this week, unless we spill something on it, we can wear it Monday, Tuesday, I’m going to wash it Wednesday. You maybe make a visual story about you sort of do all the things that we’ve talked about on this podcast to help your child know that this unquote stress is coming and deal with it and pick out other quotes. Again, finding out why your child’s so attached to it. Well, I’m attached to because it’s really soft. Okay, let’s see if we can go through your clothes again, ideally the day before. And find something else that’s really soft or find a tiara if it’s to be certain as far as you…

Dr. Sarah (17:00):

Find something that meets the need, understanding it won’t meet the exact need, but it can get next to it. Maybe it can get you 70% there.

Dr. Rebecca (17:12):

And then beyond that, I think, and we can just cross reference all the episodes we’ve done on what do you do when your child is having a complete and total tantrum or meltdown and you need to leave the house? And we have various times that we’ve gone into that. At that point, the trigger, the fact that it was an item of clothes is way less important than that. Your child has gone off the cliff as sometimes happens, even with the best plans or best intentions. And we either ride the wave or end up having to shove our kids’ legs into pants sometimes or just acknowledge to yourself that you’re going to be a, I’ve done that. I’ve called or texted teachers and said, oh, we just took a left turn and we’re not going to be there on time. Whatever the thing is that you need to do in that scenario, because I don’t actually think that as usual, once your child is in complete hysteria, that moment that you have to leave the house, there’s not a whole lot you can do. And it’s important to just sort of acknowledge that’s not going to be the time of the magic intervention.

Dr. Sarah (18:29):

Yeah, I think that’s actually really important to highlight because I think we can always try to give parents strategies to minimize or sidestep or in some way anticipate and prepare and solve for a potential conflict or meltdown. And sometimes that exact same strategy will work and sometimes it won’t and it’s not. It’s also okay, you can try what you can try and at some point your kid might just have to release all of that, whatever they’re holding, and you haven’t done anything, you haven’t failed at the intervention if your child loses it. The goal of these strategies is to support longer term skill building, distress tolerance, delay of gratification, problem solving, and especially a three-year-old, but even like a five, six, 7-year-old, there’s some point your kid might just hit their max and they’re going to lose it. And the skills you were working on before the blowout still count. You did what you can do, and now they’re going to do what they need to do. And your job at that moment when they’re 10 out of 10, losing their mind is just keep them safe and you’re done. You don’t have any more work to do. You’ve done. You’ve done what you need to do.

Dr. Rebecca (20:02):

Again, as you said and you didn’t fail.

Dr. Sarah (20:03):

That’s not a sign you failed. Yeah.

Dr. Rebecca (20:04):

Right. Well, that’s always what we hear on the podcast or in our practices is, right. I tried everything you said and it didn’t work. Right, and we’ve talked about redefining what working means and the idea that you’re planting a seed that might only grow later and sort of all those analogies.

Dr. Sarah (20:22):

Yeah, I feel you though. I definitely, I feel like privileged to be able to say, don’t have, I still get totally, I lose it. My most likely to yell at my kids for sure in the morning when I know we’re going to be late to school because nobody’s getting it together of my own anxiety. I don’t care if they’re late to school. I don’t want to be late to work. I don’t want my time to be impaired, impinged upon. And so I just want to name that we are very vulnerable in the mornings, especially as working parents because we are not just accountable to our kids in this moment. We have other things that are pushing, putting pressure on us. So I feel like that’s worth just also giving yourself a little bit of grace. Sometimes it’s going to be a hot mess, but also if you know you’re more vulnerable, trying to think too of just like we’re trying to think ahead of time and get ahead of things with our kids and prepare them, help them plan a little bit ahead of time for potential upsets. We can do the same for us. We can think about, okay, well, I usually lose it with my kids in the morning, and my kid, especially lately, has been having a lot of difficulty getting ready in the morning. So that’s probably going to add more stress to my morning. So can I wake up a bit earlier? Can I make sure I get what I need done before I go into the room to do the battle of the clothes?

Dr. Rebecca (22:00):

I’ve worked with parents who talk to their bosses about can we not schedule meetings at nine? Can we schedule meetings at nine 30? Some people don’t have that flexibility. I certainly went through a whole year where I didn’t schedule, where I only scheduled clients early in the morning that I knew would understand and be able to handle a last minute cancellation from me. I’m privileged to your point in that I work for myself, but even if you have a job where you’re accountable to other people, there are ways to, and ideally it’s getting easier as more and more workplaces start to understand parenthood, and that’s wishful thinking as well as fact. But to arrange your schedule and to say to yourself, it’s just not realistic that I’m going to get my kid to school on time and be at work in the state of mind to have a important meeting at 9:00 AM What can I do to get ahead of that? As you said, maybe wake up earlier, maybe do some of the things I need to do the night before and maybe there’s a way to talk to my boss about taking some measures at work also.

Dr. Sarah (23:10):

Yeah. But I feel like when we know we’re feeling vulnerable and we do whatever is in our control to try to buffer that, but build ourselves in some type of extra resources, internal resources, it also makes the dread go down, which can also make the dynamic between us and our kids a little mellower. I think it’s interesting how much of a ripple effect that can have in one direction or the other when we are holding stress and we go into a whatever type of rigidity our kid might be facing in that particular moment, and we have to, that rigidity is in conflict with our needs when we have more bandwidth and we can anticipate that we tend to be just a calmer presence in that moment, which can ironic, not for better or worse, that can chill out our kid a bit more versus when we’re holding a lot of stress. We come in, they feel it and ratchets them up and we kind of create more work for ourselves. All right. Well, in the service of flipping it up, Rebecca, why don’t you take us out.

Dr. Rebecca (24:29):

Oh, am I going to take us out? Oh, man. Can I do something like fun and fancy?

Dr. Sarah (24:32):

Please.

Dr. Rebecca (24:33):

What about so long farewell, right? A little sound of music action.

Dr. Sarah (24:39):

Yes. Sing us out.

Dr. Rebecca (24:41):

I think it’s, So long. Farewell auf wiedersehen say goodnight. Right. Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye.

Dr. Sarah (24:57):

Goodbye. We’ll see you guys next time.

(24:59):

Thank you so much for listening. As you can hear, parenting is not one size fits all. It’s nuanced and it’s complicated. So I really hope that this series where we’re answering your questions really helps you to cut through some of the noise and find out what works best for you and your unique child. If you have a burning parenting question, something you’re struggling to navigate or a topic you really want us to shed light on or share research about, we want to know, go to drsarahbren.com/question to send in anything that you want, Rebecca, Emily, and me to answer in Securely Attached: Beyond the Sessions. That’s drsarahbren.com/question. And check back for a brand new securely attached next Tuesday. And until then, don’t be a stranger.